Because it's New Years Eve, and a blog isnt a blog without a new year's eve post.

This year, I moved to Germany.
This year I grew up a lot.
This year I spent way too much time in blog word and the real world focusing on a 3 week relationship that was destined to fail from the start.
This year I decided to never again fall victim to my own impulses like that again.
This year I started and renewed friendships.
This year I still remained sober.
This year is over in 10 minutes and I'm spending it alone in my room. I don't really want to be here. I want to spend this with friends or family.

Out with the old in with the new. Lets make this next year the best one ever.

I'll spend this new year's eve like I spent the last one. Listening to Five Iron Frenzy song then a Death Cab for Cutie one.

"so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions"

A drifter.

no home
even the bed where I lay my head is not my own
I wander slowly,
but I wander.
never in one place too long.
Not anymore
I wish simply to find four walls to own
a roof over my head to call home.
no soil for these roots
not yet.

"If you believed they put a man on the moon"

I havent posted anything in a while.
I just wanted to say I'm doing good. I miss my famly a lot and I can't wait to see them.

I hate how I feel whenever I see Luise. The way I can't stop looking at her, the awkward glances, the laughing way too much to prove to the other person.... something or other, the way I'm still crazy for this chick, the way things were left hanging, the way she doenst want to resolve things, the way i get a knot in my throat whenever shes around.


I love the new Relient K album and the way it was written from much the same place I am. I gotta forget and not slow down.

I love that my life is on the up and up.

I hate that I don't have a new job yet.

I hate that I have so little money

I love my friends here. Rene and Marcus are my closest friends here without them I'd be at a loss. The other night Marcus just hugged me while I cried then later on we shared communion together.

I love you Christy and Alex.

Christy you're my big sis and I feel so lucky that I have you. You're just so awesome. Our relationship has so much give and take its awesome. I love that we can always count on each other to be there for each other. I wouldnt trade our siblingness for anything.

Alex you're my first ever Pen-Pal and  love how our friendship has grown over blogs and the internet. I still worry that you'll be less then impressed when we meet in person.

new poem sometime soon titled "I Dress Up On My Own Terms"

The Problem With Ballot Casting

I'd rather not be nominated in my condition
I'm still reeling from the grenade that went off in my hand

surely there are other candidates pining to be elected
let one of shake hands and kiss babies

I can't run for office like this
this is ridiculous

so will you please let me
hide in my shell shock?

your crusades are none of my concern

This is not a campaign this is conquest
this is not a campaign this is warfare
this is not a campaign this is bloodshed

This is not a campaign and I am no one's nominee

Explanation

"The Real Victim Here"

This poem deals with two separate yet interconnected things
The first thing, though it does not come up first in the poem is a person's inability to healthily deal with their past , to the point where it becomes destructive to themselves and those around them  (You hold the past like a gun, and you pulled the trigger)

The second part which in  is mentioned first, for the sake of the actual story in the poem, is people's ability to be comfortable with other people being destructive to those around them. Not wanting to tread on toes or hurt feelings. (just make sure the music keeps playing and try not to look at the blood on the ground). I've noticed often times people take lightly these situations or ignore them completely (never mind.... just keep dancing and get on your dancing shoes...).

While both attitudes are unhealthy and selfish to a point, I think the second is worse, because an apathetic attitude is enabling the other person to not have to deal with their problems. If you have the ability to step into a situation and change it for the better and you are  just as responsible as the other person if not more so (in the case that person cannot/will not change themselves and need outside help in order to do so) This of course an refer to global justice, but in this case, I'm talking about things on a much more personal level.

The Real Victim Here

get on your dancing shoes
i heard there's a party down at the local crime scene

try and ignore the police line,
its more of a formality

never mind the chalk outline
just keep dancing
never mind that here innocence died
just keep dancing

just make sure the music keeps on playing
and try not to look at blood on the ground

the real victim here was love
the real victim here was love

oh my God, it was you
it was you

You hold the past like a gun
and you pulled the trigger
all the while the speakers were booming
no one heard the shot ring out

never mind the chalk outline
just keep dancing
never mind that here innocence died
just keep dancing

So, what do you think?

Hey guys, If you would like, I can write a post explaining some of my poetry. I can be rather cryptic, I'm aware. But I would enjoy pulling what I write apart, so maybe I'm understood better. I don't have many (read: definitely 2, maybe 3) friends who care to read this on a regular basis. so... what do you think?

sh-sh-showtime

I wear many masks

Punch-drunk, Drag-out Blackout (revised)

normally I don't do this sort of thing, but I thought this one desvered revsion. I think it flows better now, what do you guys think?

trapped in this room,
I've considered going crazy
throwing myself at the door and windows
I given my lights more black eyes than I'll care to count

looking at this bottle filled with amber
then tossing it to the floor
broken glass rips through my feet
but I can't feel it anymore

listless and brooding,
I've been staring at these walls for days.
wondering how I can tear them down
the sheet rock and plaster have endless layers
oh, If I could just learn to behave.

I don't think you'd want to mess with me
as I'm feeling quite quixotic

I'm lost in the bedsheets
as the nights blur into weeks

my closet holds but one skeleton
and it refuses to leave me alone

I'll forget you if you will
I'll forgive me if you won't
I'll forget you if you will

Inmate at the County Fair

Just stop
the world
from spinning
I promise I'll get back on,
Just give me a minute.

I've been on this ride for too long,
I've been on this ride for too long.

I'm feeling dizzy
and vomited tomorrow's lunch
while trying to make it look good for the papers

this fair lost it's appeal
When I realized
That the patrons don't have faces
unless they're staring
into the fun house mirrors

Smile at the swine in the beauty pageant
and visit the pigs while you're at it

the games are all rigged
the games are all rigged
waste your time and leave empty handed
the games are all rigged

misplaced memories

the cold weather is bringing some memories back into sharp focus. Specifically girls dated. I've never really dated anyone during the summer. last week I was remembering Bethany and how magical that was.

Now its Emily, though those memories shouldnt be rearing their collective heads until sometime in December they showed up anyway.

That was a great time in my life. Seriously. She was my first kiss (to those calling shenanigans, Bethany never kissed, because she was prude like that, which in retrospect is pretty cool, though at the time it was lame) and we went to shows together and nerded out talking about music on a regular basis. She was/is awesome and while I'm definetly over her I miss those times, but not in a obsessive way, just a reflective way. You know what I mean. hey Emm, I don't know if you still read this or not, but I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for being a shitty boyfriend way back then, especially there at the end. I hope C-town is treating you well.

I was also interning at my church and working at subway. Also, every night, due to my flat feet and the severe pain that standing on them all day making sandwiches would bring, I was on oxycodone to help me sleep. I would crank up the heat in my room, play Brave Saint Saturn on the ipod and pass out. I still havent slept as well as I did then. I fully understand how people get addicted to that stuff. Seriously. I realize I';m straight edge and all. But it felt awesome. just saying guys.

Vocal Chord.

eyes snaping open
the weight of your heart firmly on my shoulders
emotions flicker between dream like idealism
and gut wrenching manufactured jealousy
images run by like damgaged film reels
replaying
again and again and again and again and again
and it starts eating away at my already battered soul

I have torn down and destroyed everything in my path to stop this ringing in my ears

I bite it all back
I bite it all back
hold back it back
and keep up appearances

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
and from the bottom of my heart
maybe when the vocal chords rip
the pain will leave with my voice

"Punch-drunk, Drag-out Blackout"

trapped in this room,
and I've considered going crazy
throwing myself against the door and the windows
I given my lights more black eyes than I care to count

looking at this bottle filled with amber
then tossing it to the floor
broken glass tears through my feet
but I can't feel it anymore

listless and brooding,
I've been staring at my wall for days.
wondering how I can punch it down
the sheet rock and plaster have endless layers
oh, If I could just learn to behave.

I doubt you'd want to mess with me
I'm feeling quite quixotic

I'm lost in the bedsheets
as the nights blur into weeks

I'll forget you if you will
I'll forgive me if you won't
I'll forget you if you will

we live in a beautiful world

have you ever had a a single thought paralyze you? Something that came to mind that was so powerful that you almost unconsciously stop everything else you were doing to focus on it? That happened to me today. I was listening to As Cities Burn and one lyric hit me and I havent been able to stop thinking about it.

The song is called "Our World Is Grey" and the line goes "she's putting cuts on her legs to bleed out the devil." You see my ex used to cut herself. I remember very clearly her showing me the swiss army knife she used and explaining how and where she would cut herself   She used to cut herself on the legs, first with the regular blade to make the initial cut, then with the serrated one to make the cut deeper.

As those words from the song rang out in my ears, mental images of her doing that rocked through my mind. I almost cried. If you're wondering what the hell is wrong with me, briefly imagine someone you care for intentionally hurting themselves in that way.

wow...... I'm tearing up as I type this.

Powerful thoughts give us reason for pause.

Have you ever had this experience?

hearts still beating

lets give the world the finger,
lets create beautiful art together.
"art is not the world, art is in our hearts"
surely this is true
so let us dance and sing
let us show the beauty of G-d to everyone we meet.
we'll paint this town not just red, but every color under the sun.
so come with me, 
We'll show the world how G-d's grace falls on everyone

come with me
we are flawed but made perfect
born into death but our hearts are still beating
living in hopelessness, but we have hope

Is heart still beating?
Is your soul still bleeding?
Are you still breathing?

Then come with me
we'll breath life inot the death that surrounds us
light is still more powerful than infinite amounts of dark

short and to the point

 I'm still exahausted, I stil miss my ex. I still have not had any time to deal with my emotions.

Been listening to Godpseed You! Black Emperor a lot recently.
my week still isnt over worked today. working tomorrow.

I'm certainly the biggest asshole on the planet. Seriously.

I had a dream two nights ago that me and luise were back together. I got me thru the day. I hate how much I miss her. I think I'm idealizing our relationship in my mind. whatever. fuck me. I have the feeling we'll be back together someday. mood currently summarized by the songs I miss you and down by Blink 182. I am so fucking teenager and emo about this whole thing. I kind of wonder if I fianlly realized what love is. Probably not. probably not at all.  

I wish me phone worked. I could call Bryn and talk things over. Christy, big sister,  need you like crazy.
I am so fucking tired. I worked every day this week aout 8 hours a day. and I'm working tomorrow again 9 hours. then maybe sunday. then definetly mon-wed. with a possibility of thursday and friday if tues and sunday  get rained out.

who doesnt love doing 2 weeks of work in 10 days?

am I making any sense?

mini blog

I love doing this, so here goes

-Dear Luise, though you will never in a million years read this ever ever ever ever, I don't hate you, I still care about you. Why do you think I was there for your baptism? I broke things off in your best interest, You were simply not ready to be in a relationship, and I couldn't stand the thought of me being a panic attack trigger for you when we spent time together.

-I feel like such a poor college student, one of today's highlights was going to walmart and the dollar store.  At the dollar store I bought two new manly coffee cups (they have swords on them) a candle shaped like buddha, a black light bulb (not a black light, but more like someone colored a regular lightbulb with a sharpie), and pop rocks.

-I want to sit down every kid who likes this techno-hardcore/ screamo bullshit and force them to listen to the discographies of Botch, Coalesce, Converge, Neurosis, Isis, Snapcase, Deadguy, etc.

-With that said, everyone into metalcore needs to own a copy of Converge's album Jane Doe. It is simply a masterpiece.

-Things stressing me out: Large groups of people I know, My ex

-Things I can deal with: Large groups of strangers, small groups, Jr. High youth group

Things I like: One on one hang outs, band practice, watching movies alone, my job, anything I can do with my earphones on

-Best albums of the year: Coalesce~OX, Isis~Wavering Radiant, ETID~New Junk Aesthetic, Mastodon~Crack The Skye, Animal Collective~Merriweather Post Pavillion

-Soon to be added to the list: Converge~Axe To Fall

-Other albums from this year I absolutely love: As Cities Burn~Hell or High Water, mewithoutYou~it's all crazy! it's all false! it's all a dream! it's alright, The Chariot~Wars and Rumors of Wars, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster~III, August Burns Red~Constellations

-2009 is a good year for music. Seriously new releases from Coalesce, Isis and Converge? ridiculous.

-Can't someone just hold me? I feel so totally out of whack and need to be brought back.

with all of that said, good night everyone. I love you all. for realsies.

fucking..... whatever.........

I'll write back soon, I promise. I'm sorry

I've been feeling so whacked out recently, a wise friend of mine suggested its probably lack of sleep and lots of coffee.

The band I just joined forgot me today. sweet.

New music that's good:
Every Time I Die- New Junk Aesthetic
Thrice- Beggars
Brand New- Daisy
The_Network- Bishop Kent Manning

Bands  I just got into:
Godspeed! You Black Emperor
Arcade Fire
Muse
The Bled

Bands I keep meaning to get into
Dillinger Escape Plan
Godflesh
Future Of Forestry
Poison The Well

CDs I'm Looking forward to:
Converge- Axe To Fall
Coalesce- Ox EP
Between The Buried and Me- The Great Misdirect
Wrench In The Works- Decrease/Increase
Relient K- Forget and Not Slow Down
Swtichfoot- Hello Hurricane

I cut grapes for a living now

I want genuine hugs

fucking..... whatever.........

shattering

falling apart
together
seperated
joints and bones
turning to dust
your heart
shattering
my soul
broken
clutching chest
spasms
solitude
walling myself off
no want for interaction
let me alone
broken me, shattered you
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart
we're falling apart

shopping

I'm walking down the road. I have twenty euros in my pocket a backpack on, and the intent to buy something. I put something on the ipod, music sets the mood for the walk, I put on something soft, some Ben Gibbard project I assume. I would sing out loud, but I can't hear myself, so I'm certain it would be out of key. I struggle with my thoughts, various people walk by and I consider the lives of most of them. Occasionally a girl will pass by that catches my eye, I briefly imagine what it would be like to date her, mental images of her throwing her arms around my neck smiling the big smiles of those in love.  As soon as the mental image comes, it goes, brief, pointless. I walk into the supermarket, all German super markets look pretty much the same. Passing by the fruits and vegetables, I stare at dairy products, and select a frappachino from the refrigerated shelves. I walk up and down the aisles, tmy mind, only half on what are on the shelves, are reviewing the day and upcoming week. I pick up some dinner for the evening, some form of noodles. I try not to think about Luise, those thoughts are too painful at the moment, I choke back the emotion and think about the trivial bullshit that lines the shelves. I reach the liquor aisle, I pick up a bottle of some kind of American whiskey. Feeling the weight of it, considering returning everything else I have picked up and blowing the twenty on the bottle in my hand. I put the bottle back and grab something highly caffeinated instead. I don't get drunk, I just consume unhealthy quantities of caffeine. My brain briefly produces the memory of drinking six Red Bulls in an evening at some bar I hated myself for being at, and the fact that my heart beat oddly all night. That memory brings up Tine, If I never see her again It'll be for the better. Whatever. I think about where I live, and how thankful I am for it. I consider all I gave up for it. Unfair. Everyday is a fight. Luise comes to mind again, I immediatly think of her deciding to go out with a friend of mine, I cobsuder what I would do if that happened, worried I wouldn't be abe to afford enough whiskey to get, and keep me drunk. I put on some angrier music. Upset at myself for thinking about it. I grab some brightly colored shower gel I don't need. Axe's marketing department did their job well, it my only real consumer based weakness, I always spring for the more expensive soap I don't need, justifing that of things to blow more money on, the extra euro for shower gel wasn;t the worst thing, It's not like I was buying stacks of lottery tickets. We all have to have standards I guess. I review the open cash registers, selecting one with a slighty longer line, but the cashier is pretty and close to my age. She's blonde, All guys secretly have a thing for blonde girls. I place my selcted items on the counter and grab a packet of Fisherman's Friends, little pieces of almost pure menthol that you suck on like hard candy, I like the idea of having a habit of some kind, and at least this one is healthy. I take one earbud out as I ge nearer to the cashier, God, shes pretty. Its my turn, she looks up and flashes a brief smile, "Hallo!" "Hello" I say, and return the smile. I wish I knew more German so I could flirt a bit. No luck. I glance up at the total, its under twenty and thats all I care about. I take out my wallet, pay, and take my backpack off. I collect my change and tuff my purchases in the backpack, quickly thinking about all the places I've taken it and how no one has any idea my story. I'd like to think the girl would be interested if she knew. I put the bag back on my back and wish the cashier a nice rest of her day. I walk through the door and back down the road. I wish my bike wasn't broken. I'd be home quicker. I cycle through my mental checklist. I probably should have blown the money on fixing the bike. Whatever.

Thoughts

I think I ended not going to Berlin for a million little reasons, all them incredibly important. So many things happened while i was here that couldn't/wouldn't have if I had gone.

Parents of handicapped kids deserve a lot of respect, and take a pure joy in their kid's smallest accomplishments.

I think I'll be a good parent one day.

Would there have been an uproar in the Christian community if Brokeback Mountain was about a heterosexual affair \ instead of a homosexual one?

Why have Christians decided to send all of their judgment at the homosexual community? If it is a sin, then please show me NEW testament scriptures that state that being gay is somehow worse than anything else?

If it had come out that Ted Haggard had been compulsively stealing cars, would the Church be up in arms about him being restored too quickly?

I hate how lazy I've been in keeping in contact with people.

I think Pharisee's get a somewhat bad rap at times, I somehow doubt every last one was corrupt, I think some were simply stuck in a broken system.

No preacher has the final word on anything, If they ever claim too then they are delusional and dangerous.

Worship is a state of the mind and of the heart, and you don't need to sing to enter it

Say, A judge has to sentence his own son to life in prison for committing murder, do you really think he takes any pleasure in it? I would imagine tears in his eyes as he said, "I love you, but your actions have consequences, and you need to accept them. Consider G-d like this, as we debate back and forth on why a loving G-d would allow people to spend eternity in hell.

an idea

would any of my (two) writer friends have any interest in turning my any of the Adrifter's into a short story?
I understand if you dont't have the time or are totally not interested. just a thought.

Adrifter II pt 2: Returner

1. past
i will never stop loving you
only till death did we part
But in my heart i carry you
never apart
i couldn't let you go if i tried
and my soul keeps calling back to you
my heart died when I left that ship
if i go back maybe i could bring it back to life

unable to breath
you were the breath in my lungs
unable to bleed
you were the blood in my veins
sweeter than any honey
more beautiful than any star
am i awake
or am i dead
i had my finger in the trigger
did i pull it?
i still remember your face
and how it stopped time
our love
stronger than a nova
greater than a galaxy
please won't you come home to me?


2.fault
head spinning
i caused it
dizzy
though i have not moved
i vomit on the floor
i barely notice it
head in my hands

strike me dead where i stand

3.choice
going back..........
embracing my sorrow here...............
could I make the trek back?

i have no idea

my heart is heavy, it anchors me to her
but my sorrow anchors me here

I know which is heavier


4. returner
i will take a ship back
i will bring her here
maybe then i will be forgiven
or i will die in the attempt
i want for either one
i shall be returner


5.abstraction of movement
i am moving, moving towards something
someone
but space is a behemoth
these stars pass by too slowly
it does not feel like I am moving
i am moving but standing still

i hope she is waiting
i am coming
however abstract my movement...


6.adrifter
adrifting here for days.
space is so big
and am i so small
how could i find a single ship
in this black sea

crying out for her
crying out for You

save me from doubt

i know that "the darkness will not be dark to You"
give me Your eyes


7.healing
there is a garden
and a river runs through it
and there we find redemption
and there we find healing
come dip your soul in the river
broken hearts
be healed
i swim to the bottom
and drink deep of it's water

my love, forgive me

come
let us swim
come

there is garden
and a river runs through it
and it's waters heal my soul


8.found
Your singing wakes me
You were singing songs of her
i knew i would find her
You brought me to her
delivered me safely
how can i ever repay You?

you can't

why are You so good to me?

I love you

9. atonement
running to the ship
which was to be my coffin
and is already hers
but i will bring her back
a proper goodbye
---------------- u
---------------- r
---------------- i
---------------- a
---------------- l

this was worth the distance
i love her so much
thank You for bringing me to her
this is my atonement


10. forgiven
shortly after leaving
i drift into sleep
back into the garden

she is there, You are too
singing songs to me

finally free
finally forgiven

My son, you were forgiven long ago
by Me
and by her.

but now, my heart feels free
this no longer owns me

i fall asleep in her arms under a tree by the river


11. redemption
i realize it fully now
i did not have to do a thing to be redeemed
redeemed by You

but i had to make things right
and You blessed my journey

i love You
i love You

cradle me as i joyously
drift
all
the
way

back


12.home
entering earth's orbit
i wonder what that following days
may bring

my heart is filled

no matter what happens
i know i did right by her
and by You
this will all be put to rest
and now I finally can


rest

Worry: version 2

heres a new version I just pulled together, better quality, more editing. I'm more awake too.
did either of you get the emails I sent?

Video blog: Worry

Heres what I did today

Got up too late,
took the train to church
ran powerpoint for worship/the sermon
watched my (ex?)girlfriend break down and cry (iseriouslywishiknewwhattodo)
(isitwrongthatididnothing? I can't handle the weight of the world)
left church
grabbed a soda
took a train home
grabbed some food
ate in the park
hung out in my room
had bbq
hung out till 12:45

I want taco bell

I want to be home, I want to see my friends. I want to make 7-11 and mickey d's sweet tea runs.
I want to spend a ridiculous amount of time at morning star.


I kind of want to cry.

I just want to visit home. I don't want to fight everyday. I want to be able to joke around. I want to be able to crack  a joke and not have to explain it.

I want to be loud while rocking out in the car with my friends.

I want to get woken up at 9:30 by a call from Steve C. telling me, not asking me, that there's something on the other side of the state that we desperately need to check out.

I want to be not here.


I'm feeling homesick. well I always feel a bit homesick. Sometimes its worse than others.

I remember sitting at our table in the kitchen, our house mom had just made us a great meal, and I just sat there not engaging in conversation, just staring out the window crying silently.

It's been 4 months, but sometimes, I just feel so out of place, and invisible.

Sometimes when I stare at the mirror, I'm not making funny faces, I'm looking deep into my eyes, and asking myself the hell I was thinking.

I want taco bell

Micro-Blog

I should read more, specifically my Bible

I enjoy being the one dude in the house who likes pb&j and sweet tea.

my natural reaction is to rebel

I  have a kafka streak about my writing,  i have tons of blog posts and poems unfinished. one even stops half sentence.

I'm feeling sick at the moment, this may or may not have to do with the piece of plastic I swallowed last week. I'm not too worried though.

One reason I put my relationship on pause is because of her baggage, i was the only one giving. the relationship was one-sided. I hope I dont sound too selfish.

I always secretly hope that my blogs get read when I publish them.

I think about getting married and the  thereafter more than the average male does (I think)

I've been writing this post for an hour now.......

I have somewhat of  an unconventional taste in women.

I think I'll do what I say I do and

My life Story (anybody like MXPX?) thus far anyways

 First off, this will help things as i go along, I was born to an American dad and a German mom, and due to the laws of both countries, I have duel citizenship, which has been a huge blessing.

    My parents were both part of a missionary organization called The Covenant Players, they still exist today and they travel by van all around the country and do Christian plays at any church, school, retirement center or whatever they can book. They are a worldwide  organization My mom joined in Germany, and my dad joined in the States. My mom was then transferred to the USA and my parents met there. So I've grown up in a (somewhat) bilingual Christian household. But my faith didn't become mine until one day, I randomly stumbled across the audio book version of Son of a Preacherman by Jay Bakker . The book which I later got the paperback version of, radically changed my outlook on Christianity, My faith became my own and I started to have passions. It was also around this time that I decided that one day I wanted to be a youth pastor. That next year, I began down what would be the next life changing thing in my life, I started to get into Hardcore music. Zao, Project 86 and Norma Jean were the first bands I got into. As I began to listen to NJ's Bless the Martyr and Kiss the Child, I also began to look up to the lead singer. Which led me that summer to pick up The Chariot's first album. Which i fell in love with. That next year in school I started dating my first serious girlfriend and started going to shows. One show in particular would change my life in the long run. It was P.O.D, Pillar, The Chariot and Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. There I met a member of the band Wrench In The Works, who i would bump into randomly over the course of the next 2 years. (but more on that later)

    At the end of that school year,  two things happened, first my girlfriend broke up with me via email, and so utterly depressed by it, I decided to get plastered, but there was no booze in the house, so I stayed sober. It was at this point that I became straight edge, reasoning that, if that;s my first impulse, then I;d beter just not start drinking. Second, tipped off by the fact that I failed completely, my mom came to conclusion that school was not for me. So She suggested that I take a year off and figure my life out, but not at home, In Austria. That summer I turned 16, and after much prayer and blessing from my youth pastors mentors and friends. I decided to take the year off and go to Austria. There I worked at a Bible school doing maintenance, grounds upkeep, and construction. The first 3-4 months were ok, but in February, a few things led me to spiral into a deep depression. First was the homesickness, I didn't have any very good friends there, and second I developed an unhealthy and deep crush/attachment to a girl some 8 years older than me. The last few months there I dealt with depression, mania and panic attacks. Near the end I all but cut myself from contact with the others there I would wake up eat breakfast work, eat lunch, work some more, skip dinner and shower and hang out in my room until I decided to go to sleep. A few things kept me sane, one were weekly calls with my mentor, the other thing was music, specifically The Chariot's Fiancee and mewithoutYou's Brother, Sister.

    In May of 07, I came back home and my life returned to normalcy. That next summer I officially dropped out of school and began to study for my GED. Which I took and passed. The start of the next school year I began to intern at my church under my two youth pastors. And I was the best man at my best friend's wedding. The next summer I went on a missions trip to Germany with my church's college ministry and found out about a program with the church there, where I, in a very hands on way get a theology degree. More on that in a bit.

Remember how I met that band Wrench In The Works?  Well at the end of the summer, they told em they needed a roadie. So I quit my job at Subway, and embarked on a total (not all at once) of 2 or 3 months of touring.  I traveled the country and met some of the most awesome people, made some of my closest friends, learned a ton and grew up a lot. I got back from tour at the end of November.

      The next few months I geared up to move to Germany. I moved here in March and I've become a leader in both youth groups at the church here. I am currently job less (I think I'm just lazy) but I'm loving it. G-d provides. 3 weeks ago, I began dating the most emotionally damged girl I could possibly find, but yesterday we decided to take a break, she was not ready for a relationship, she just has too much baggage at she needs to work through. So here, I am. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Fuck

Seriously... fuck ...... I'm so sorry if I sound like an egotistical ass.


Ok, I'm a nice guy, I get along with other people well. Most people I know, like me, as a person. It's a rare thing when people just don't.
I bend over backwards for the people I care about. I worry about them a lot. All of them.
Take my lovely girlfriend for example. Even before we were dating, I did my best to make sure she was ok. Walking her home whatever.
(at this point I would like to apologize to my last girlfriend, is she's reading this, for being such a horrible boyfriend. I have recently come to grips with the ass I was, and I sincerely apologize.)
Somehow, i did manage to go out and find the most emotionally damaged girl i could POSSIBLY find. She has baggage, it's of the emotional kind, none of that baggage has wheels on it, and its all heavy as fuck. This baggage makes her horribly afraid of physical But contact, mistrustful of any person with an XY chromosome and all in all horribly afraid of intimacy of any kind. But, regardless, I have done everything In my power to gain her trust and deal with her lack of communication.

Sometimes, though, I can't deal with being nice, or self sacrificing.

Can I just honestly say, as much as I care, and as much as I will do anything in my power to help her out, how seriously frustrating the whole thing is? How emotionally draining hanging out with her can be? How aggravating it is to see how her fear controls her, and how she seems to take comfort in that fear?

I walked her home yesterday, and honestly though she said she was tired and didnt want to spend time together, I wouldn't have wanted to really anyways. I am drained and exhausted, and it's only been 3 weeks.

G-d will you please heal her heart and her mind? Tear down the walls, and the fear. Give me the strength to be in this currently one sided relationship.

and Rene, buddy, If i see you hugging her, I swear to the gods, I'm going to hit you.

Fear Addict

your fear guides you,
consumes you
take its hand
it will guide you exactly where you think you want to go
turn your back on the people who want to help you
this anxiety is your drug
the devil is your dealer
fear is your security blanket
wrap yourself in it
go to sleep
refuse help
obviously healthy behavior
your scent is intoxicating
but your actions make me violently ill
there is only so much one sidedness I can take at one time

q:when do you know you really like someone?

when you walk them home, barefoot, in the rain

The Overtaker

I am the flood
I am the leviathan
And I will swallow you whole

You will be consumed
Completly
No escape

There will be no walls to hold me back
Mountains will crumble with my passing
No strongholds will protect you

Destruction and rebirth in my wake
I am the unstoppable force
Cities will lay in ruin
And they will be rebuilt
They will be stronger for it

I AM the LORD your GOD

There is no point in running
I am the tsunami that covers the Earth

you cannot escape Me
you cannot ignore Me
I will destroy you
and I will build you anew

I want to move to Oklahoma

I have friends there. Awesome friends. They would like to start a band with me.

Life would be more simple there. I love it here In germany, but I sometimes, I wish life was more simple.

Things I worry about are: My girlfriend, my finances, my lack of a job , my relationship, etc.

Things I would like to worry about:
writing lyrics
wear the next venue is
being able to hear everything in the monitors
selling merch
what to listen to during an overnight drive

I love it here, I like my girlfriend a lot (not comfortable calling it love yet, but its moving in that direction), I love my friends, I love where I live.

but sometimes, I think I'm allowed to wish I was somewhere else.

Carry on prophets, There is no church to see.

There is no hope here
only liars
Shattered pulpits
your stain glass window is covered in blood
Weight on the world
at the foot of a crucifix
Statues dont move much
Inject the morphine in the neck of your infants
keep them numb
their cries are distracting half hearted prayers
Do like how your hymnals are covered in vomit?
dont break the silence
dont have doubts
and dont ask questions
Those dead eyes
your dead smiles
those dead eyes
your dead smiles
rue of mass is broken by screaming
your alter is covered in blood
the blood is on your hands
the blood in on your head
step away from the scene of indifferance
You are more than you are led to believe

Proverb

woe to him, who treats others lower than himself
surely he is lower than the animals
for even the wolves have respect

we are all a community
both beast and man
what we do echoes all around

Desolate though the earth was, the LORD breather life into it.
Who are we to make it desolate once more?

This is what it means to be human,
We must be faithful with what we were given!

Building Bridges

We will build bridges
Fill gaps

Let us forget the boundries that seperate us
notihng will hold us back
I serve a G-d bigger than any culture or doctrine
break down the walls
shatter the ropes bind us
tear apart the chains

And we will build bridges
And we will build bridges
And we will build bridges
And we will build bridges
And we will build birdges
And we will build bridges
And we will build bridges

We no longer care about boundries
we will set your conveniant box to flame

We are the Bridge Builders
and ours is the Kingdom of Heaven

We are the redefinition
We are the reconstruction
And we will build bridges
and we will build bridges

Adrifter II: Starfarer

Here it is beginning to end, I consider this to be my magnus opus.... so far anyway. I hope you enjoy it

Entry 1: Brief and permanent.
No,
I was just outside
just outside
What could I have missed?
dear love
Please wake up
just wake up
This isn't really happening
This isn't really happening

willpower gone
leaning against a wall, her head in my lap
tears fail me

stumble to the bridge
I fall and feel no pain
head spinning

I wake up in my room
I don't remember walking here

gone forever ever isn't she?

Yes.

Entry 2: The blurring of time.
I remember now
setting a course for home

staring out the windows
watching the stars go by
Hours beget days
days beget weeks.

I feel not the passage of time
obscured by the pain.

alarms stir me from my trance
how long were they sounding?

Entry 3: Space's crueltyUndeserving,
say something, save me from myself
how will I ever make it home in a dead ship?

still numb
this wavering spirit
cannot bear another uphill battle
I must leave this grave
how can I bear to abandon her in space?

a part of me died when I left her
no resurrection for me
This black abyss is cruel.

Entry 4: TimelessnessThere is no time here
hours pass without notice
I beg her forgiveness
I can no longer tell
if I am awake
or sleeping
draining fuel cells
all power to life support
let me drift
all
the
way
back
home

Entry 5: Adrifter
is this my calling
so far from home


These stars are my only companions
and they all look the same

If ever I get home
will it truly be home?

all I hear,
is the sound of you singing in my mind

blink once you're here
blink twice you're gone

is my heart still beating?
Is my blood still moving?
am I still breathing?

hopeless

I can't seem to stop listening to your singing in my mind

Entry 6: Remembrances, Contemplations, Suffocation.
I gaze out at the starlight
To think I would die surrounded by stars
To feel you near me again
I would give all the oxygen I have left
this life is draining
draining out
drowning in midair

I heard tell once
the Hand of the Mighty
saved a man from the depths of the sea
Will the god who saved him save me?

sleep overtakes me
I can no longer breath

Entry 7: Homecoming
Day 1: Rescue.from the edge of death
pulled back
I live again, for nothing
I would have died
I could have been by her side

Oh holy God
you should have let me die

Day 2:Unrequited Heronever have I felt lonelier in a crowd
the crushing silence, of the white noise around me
Staring at someone in the mirror
I don't recognize the man
I died among the stars

smile and shake hands
accept the praise
grin at cameras

empty gestures, feeling nothing

gone so long from home
I do not recognize those I used to know

Staring at the mirror
lost in it's reflection
Who am I anymore?

Day 3: Suicide and Change.I can barely stand the overwhelming
silence of this empty house

louder than any noise

how I wish,
that it was me instead of her.

she was perfect
I am a wretch of a man

do I buy the gun
and pull the trigger?

do I buy the rope
and tie it around my neck?

do I buy the knife
and run it through my heart?

do I end it all?
is there hope?
do I end it all?

G-d, if you're listening make up my mind,

Gun in hand
tremble

do I pull the trigger?

Entry 5: Adrifter

Entry 5: Adrifter
adrifter
is this my calling
so far out from home
I wish i was inside that ship

These stars are my only companions
and they all look the same

If ever I get home
will it truly be home?
without you there

and all I hear,
is the sound of you singing in my mind

blink once you're here
blink twice you're gone

My mind starts quaver

is my heart still beating?
Is my blood still moving?
Is my pulse still marching?

Its hard not to be hopeless
when there is nothing to look forward to

I can't seem to stop listening to your singing in my mind

adrifter entries 3 & 4

Entry 3: Space's cruelty
What did I do to deserve this?
Please, give me a sign
give me some sort of idea
how will I ever make it home With a dead ship?
Forget this forget you
still numb
my wavering spirit
could not bear another uphill battle
so I must leave this grave
how can I bear to abandon her in space?
a part of my heart died when I left
I will never get it back.
This black abyss is cruel.

Entry 4: Timelessness
There is no time here
no day or night
hours pass without notice
while I beg forgiveness for leaving her behind
I can no longer tell
if I am awake
or sleeping
draining fuel cells
all power to life support
let me drift
all
the
way
back
home

like the sky before rain
can no longer hold the water
So is my love for you

more stuff from Adrifter II

Entry 1: Brief and permanent.
No, no, no
I was just outside
just outside
What could I have missed?
What could I have missed?
My love
dear love
Please wake up
just wake up
This isn't really happening
This isn't really happening

My willpower gone
leaning against a wall, her head in my lap
I can't even cry.

I stumble to the bridge
Though I fall, I feel no pain
my head is spinning

I wake up in my room
I don't remember walking here

She's gone forever ever isn't she?
Yes

Entry 2: The blurring of time.
I remember now
fixing the systems
and setting a course for home

staring out the windows
watching as the stars go by
Hours beget days
days beget weeks.

I feel not the passage of time
it is obscured by the pain.

the alarms stir me from my trance
how long were they sounding?

Adrifter I: Jonah

1-Running, Not Running to,  Running Away.

Wanted for some greater purpose
that feels thrust upon me
I do not want this, I do not want you
Leave me alone

I do not want to run to you
I will live my own life
On my own
I awake from a dream
"Throw him overboard, Throw him overboard!"

I run to the shore
Leaving all I know behind
I will find a new life
Somewhere beyond the shore, 
somewhere 
in the sea

2-Sitting by the Sea ( How Many Miles?)
How many heartaches till I find her?
 
some sick joke played by the fates.
there's a greater purpose here.
or at least I need to think so.

we'll converse about what could be someday
but sometimes.... sometimes...
sometimes, I wonder though.

How many miles from one heart to another?
How many feet from soul to soul?
the distance is just too far

stare at the ocean
wait as the tide covers me
wondering about what could be
dragged out to sea
I just hope one day
I'll wash ashore, somewhere
somewhere closer to you.

3-This Silent Ocean, This Brilliant Sunlight
Drowning in this sea
Invisible hand shoving my head under water
every time I try to catch a breath,
legs kicking
attempting to tread water
treading water, this cold water
lungs fill with water, begin to drown.
I cant see your face
I cant even see my limbs for the darkness of the ocean
content now with where I am.
I sleep, knowing that soon,
I will see the face of my maker
I will rejoice,
I was cold, but now am warm
Was drowning, but now have breath

In this sunlight, this brilliant sunlight.

*(interlude) Not Now 
your time to join me is not now

*the Adrifter coughs and gasps for air*

4-Adrifter
These waves, my only companion
for days

choking on my own tongue
salt water is all i have to drink
sun scorching my skin
this driftwood i cling to
is all that is keeping me afloat

I once thought my journey done
G-d had something for me yet

nothing but waves
for miles around me
clinging to hope of land 
these waters are large
and I am quite small.
tossed about in this ocean
the clouds darken
My companions take on an evil tone


5-The Storm, One for the Ages.
Dear G-d this storm is raging
keep me safe
I wasn't rescued from the depths 
only to die in this maelstrom

I have no idea how to save myself from this

knocked back and forth
back and forth
flying, then drowning
where is the eye of this storm?

Sweet reprieve, now gone
I cling only to You.

6-Purpose, Planning. Brought from The Sea, Into New Life.
to the city you must go
Run! Run Quickly !
I now have purpose, 
planning to be done, but there is purpose.
Sprinting for the city.
unstoppable
For I was thrown into the sea by my own doing
but now I was brought from from the deep
by The Hand Of G-d
Though there be boulders before me
I shall not fear.
If this what real life feels like
I want more.

Jonah is finished!

Purpose, Planning. Dragged from The Sea, Into New Life.
not yet my child
though you are yet finished in this vast sea
your time to join me is not now
(sounds of the Adrifter coughing and gasping for air)

The Storm, One for the Ages.
Dear G-d this storm is raging
I know I must weather it
but keep me safe
To be rescued from the depths only to die in this maelstrom
is not your plan
I have no idea how to save myself from this
but only though you
I am knocked back and forth
back and forth
One moment I am flying, the other drowning
where is the eye of this storm?
only for a moment my son
but now
I am sorry, but back into the hurricane you must go
Sweet reprieve, now gone
I cling only to myself and to You.

Purpose, Planning. Brought from The Sea, Into New Life.
wake up, wake my son, sweet Adrifter
you have reached land
now to the city you must go
Run! Run Quickly !
I will give you the strength you need.
I now have purpose, There is planning to be done, but I have purpose.
Sprinting for the city.
I now know what I must do.
I will be unstoppable
For I was thrown into the sea by my own doing
but now I was brought from from the deep
and through the storm
by The Hand Of G-d
Though there be rocks before me
I shall not fear.
If this what real life feels like
I want more.

Adrifter II

This is the first poem i have done for this story line

Data Log 6: Remembrances, Contemplations and Suffocation.
I gaze out at the starlight
To think I would die surrounded by stars.....
To feel you near me again
I would give all the oxygen I have left
I feel this life is draining
draining out
I feel like I'm drowning in midair

I heard tell once
That the Hand of the Mighty
saved a man from the depths of the sea
Will the G-d who saved him save me?

The sleep over takes me
I can no longer breath

New project.

So, you may have noticed in my the word adrifter pop up here and there on facebook in a few lyrics etc. I have decided to make adrifter into the Adrifter, and he will a character representing hopelessness and redemption, though not the same person every time. Think of it as a title. (The Adrifter is the main character in the Jonah EP ) Along with this decision came with a new story and a new person given the title of Adrifter.

A man is on an exploration mission to the moons of Mars. While outside the ship doing routine maintenance a malfunction with the life support kills the rest of the crew, including the Adrifter's wife, instantly and destroys his ability to radio home. Unable to realistically and emotionally handle carrying out the mission, he sets off towards Earth. The power in the ship depletes extremely prematurely as so much was taken up repairing life support, so the man boards and escape pod. After one week, to ensure maximum survival time so as to hopefully be found, he diverts all power to life support and the SOS beacon, so he is left essentially to drift back to Earth. During his time drifting he contemplates his life thus far and his probable imminent death. He also remembers his wife and the crew, and their premature deaths. His oxygen slowly depletes and he slips into unconsciousness accepting death. Very soon afterwards he is picked up by a transport ship and is returned to Earth, though awarded medals for his bravery, he wrestles with suicide and does not know whether it is better to live or die at this point. How it ends is left open.

Why open? I want people to decide for themselves, given the circumstances, which is better: life or death?

So I will devoting time to finishing up the Jonah project and this new project tentatively titled "Adrfiter II: The StarFarer"

A few songs I've written recently

Blood/Absolved
This blood on my hands
I've killed so many men
I shot them down
to watch as their life faded

As I lie here on my deathbed
I wonder if the Angel of Death finds any pleasure in the event
I feel the life slipping from my body
Dear Redeemer,
Will you accept me now?
Or have I waited too long?
I spent too much time stealing life,
to ever realize mine was fading
Fading
Fading out

I see a figure
He stands beside me
Though too weak,
I try to reach for his arm
Instead he picks me up
and carries me.
He bids me not to worry
He can't see the blood
and I can't feel the weight of their souls upon mine any longer


Wake Apnea
Wake up
You are drowning in your spit
you spray during blessings
you say but do not speak

"Pretend to care"

Wake up
You're drowning in false belief
Join us
We're sailing in Grace

Running, Not Running to You, Running Away From You.

I am a wanted man
Wanted for some greater purpose
that feels thrust upon me
I do not want this, I do not want you
Leave me alone
Where can I run? Away, Surely.
I do not want to run to you
I will live my own life
On my own
I awake from a dream
Men were shouting "Throw him overboard, Throw him overboard!"
This means something
so, I will run to the shore
Leaving all I know behind
I will find a new life
Somewhere in the sea

The Joker, Resignations, World Hunger, and September 11th

The Joker: "Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds!"

A few months ago, a good friend of mine resigned from being a youth pastor, the reasons made sense. I find it odd that me and most everyone I know who has found out flipped when they first heard it. It didn't fit with the plan, the unconscious plan we all had, that this wouldn't be the case. We don't like it when things don't follow the plan. And everyone knows the plan, the way things should be and ought to be. These people die, these people don't. Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes--one child every five seconds. A fact easily found, did any of you even flinch as you read that? No, not at all. Because it's part of the plan. On Sept. 11th 2,974 died, and the nation was thrown into disarray. More than 5 times that number (2,974) die every day, EVERY DAY. But no one flinches because that fits into the plan. I think People need to care about this. Someone estimated that, to provide the entire world clean water and food,to solve this crisis, it would cost roughly 20 Billion dollars. America, spends that much on Ice cream, in a year. Where are our priorities?

I did not mean to trivialize the tragedy that was Sept. 11th, 2001. That day was burned into my mind forever, and I have no connections to it. I cannot fathom what it must be like for those that do. I simply used the statistics to point out a flaw in our mindset. America is not the world, we are a small part of a global community, but we don't act like it.

So He Did- "Jonah EP"

So He Did - "Jonah EP"

1. Running, Running To You, Running Away From You.
2. Sitting By The Sea (How Many Miles?)
3. This Silent Ocean, This Brilliant Sunlight
*(interlude) Not Now (How I was Near Death/Plans for Me Yet)
4. A/Drifter
5. The Storm, One for the Ages.
6. Purpose, Planning. Dragged from The Sea, Into New Life.

A/drifter

These waves have been my only companion
for days
bordering on insanity
choking on my own tongue
salt water is all i have to drink
sun scorching my skin
this driftwood i cling to
is all that is keeping me afloat
I once thought my journey done
as I sank to the ocean floor
but G-d had something for me yet
As I look around
i see
nothing but waves
for miles around me
I cing to some hope of land though these waters are large
and I am quite small.
tossed about in this ocean
the clouds darken and a chill sets in
My companions take on an evil tone
I feel a storm rolling in

____________________________________________

is anyone there?






























































does anyone love me?

Parties, and why I dont like them/germany/the shack

I dont like parties, in fact I avoid them as a rule, I dont like parties where I practically know no one, even more so, parties where I barely know the native language, more so even when Im still jet lagged.... enter Saturday night, It all went ok at the end, but still part of it was retarded. as I said, I dont like parties, never have never will. But more to the point, that is to say, my first 2 days here, were good, disorientating, tiring etc. but on the whole, they have been better than my first few days In Austria, I already feel at home here, and thats awesome. I read the Shack this morning, I want to know what you think. I liked it, though it deserves a re-reading, there was a lot there to handle, especilly in one sitting. But regardless, during my off time here, I will occasionaly stare at myself in the mirror, and wonder wtf I have gotten myself into.

Sitting by the Sea ( How Many Miles?)

How many heartaches till I find that one?
What is the meaning of our meeting?
Was it all just coincidence,
or was it just some sick joke played by the fates?
I think there's a greater purpose here.
G-d has a plan,
or at least I need to think so.
If not I think I'll go insane.
Though its not too bad, I've been there before.
Nice to visit, though I'd never live there.
Let's get together sometime,
we'll converse about what could be someday
but sometimes.... sometimes...
sometimes, I wonder though.
How many miles from one heart to another?
How many feet from soul to soul?
I think the distance is just too far.
I'll never make it.
I think I'll sit and stare at the ocean
and wait as the tide covers me
wondering about what could be .
I think I'm being dragged out to sea
But I don't care, I just hope one day,
I'll wash ashore, somewhere.
Somewhere,
somewhere closer to you.

Modesty

You wanna roll with me ? I wanna roll with you!
You wanna rock with me? I wanna rock you too!
You wanna roll with me ? I wanna roll with you!
You wanna rock with me? I wanna rock you too!

Hey everyone
look at me
I'm rollin rollin
down down
town town
lookin so hot
lookin so fly
this town will never know what hit em
they'll have a hangover before I've even got there
I've partied harder
then anyone you've ever seen before
Because......
I AM The Untouchable GOD of ROCK AND ROLL
and they'll build cities in tribute
And before I'm done
I'll have broken the heart
of Every girl in the world
can you hang with this? can you even keep up?
I dont think so.......
cause there aint never been anything like this before
I'm just gonna SPIIIIT
some crazy all over this club
you wont even know what happened til I'm looong gone
Can you hang with this?
Can You Even Keep Up????

Hey!

why are you so far away?

So I watch from the dark, I'm stronger now from the spark. And I glow, maybe I'm already home.

"You're a leader, leaders lead, be careful where you lead your followers"- Bryn Gillette, to me, a few years ago.

Why am I a leader?

Why do people follow me?

What does it mean to be a servant?

What does it mean to lead?

How am I supposed to lead people,
If I'm so lost myself?

Maybe I'm not lost. I don't know....


Regardless, when I stay up way too late sometimes,
I'll wish i had opiates,
get pissed at general unfairness,
wonder what the fuck I'm doing with myself,
become depressed,
wonder at life and it's unfathomable awesomeness,
Take heart in G-d,
listen to good music,
Then Blog.

Fuck

This

Emptiness.

I love G-d.

Christ Jesus, the Risen Lord,
Loves You,

and so do i...

Are you serious? I mean seriously??

I love how we as Christians make exceptions all the time. Yeah i mean the Bible says its a sin but I mean, I'm young right? I'l settle down when I'm older. I mean, I guess I should read my Bible, a little more than bi-monthly, but honestly, I'm a busy guy. I can't fit it into my busy schedule, I'll study the Bible by proxy, Back off. I mean I "know" Jesus should invade every part of my life, we sing these songs about giving it all up, or surrendering it all or whatever, but Jesus is probably happy with Sundays (only if I'm at church) and Youth Group. I mean, really, I can;t be expeceted to live like that all the time. I have to yell at people in traffic, and hold grudges against people, I cant just let that go. I know the Bible says that a wise man accepts criticism and learns from it, but I mean, I'm RIGHT! People who tell me I'm wrong couldn't possibly be right. I mean, even if they maybe have something constructive to say, they're probably just trying to make fun of me, and I'm pretty sure if I just make fun of them enough, and talk loud enough, they'll shut up, and aknowledge that they're wrong.

WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Seriously. Christianity is all nice and good, on sundays and when you happen to be at church. But honestly, if you dont want to live that way all the time or at least try, (I mean lets be honesnt, for a sec, we're all human and we're gonna fail) but if you not willing to at least try, be honest with yourself, and stop calling yourself a Christian. Live it or don't. Stop giving us a bad name. I dont care if you;re on stage, working at a Christian book store, or leading the worship team, or just living your life, We're all called to higher standard as Christians, thats just the way it is.

This is so for me and all of you.

So this is the new year....

I find I dwelt on 2008 so long i never thought about anything afterwords. At least not specifically anyway. I thought about my future career and family etc. but it was never specific. I thought about 2008 and graduating high school and so on. If I was told what my life was going to do back in 6th grade I would've never believed it. I left school after 10th grade, to go to Austria and work at a bible school, there I worked 6 days a week doing difficult labor, but never did well enough, made a friend in a girl some 8 years older than I was, developed a gigantic and unhealthy crush on her, spiraled deep into a depression which was riddled with panic attacks and manic episodes. Came home in 07, got my sanity back. then in the fall I was the best man at my other best friends wedding. i then started a part time internship at the church and graduated high school. Then a few days before the year a friendship bloomed into a relationship. This time last year I was with her and my best friend and my best friend's girl. A few months later my best friend proposed to his girl which caused a rift in our friendship that won't heal for a long time. A few months after that I broke it off with my girlfriend. That summer, My best friend who got married almost a year prior had a son. I'm so excited to watch him grow and see my friend become a father. The next day I went to Germany for two weeks, and I found the Shawn to my Corey (side note, yes that is a Boy meets world reference) and a plan for my life, I was to go to Germany to pursue my dream of being a youth pastor. after that, I went on tour for a total of about 3 months as a roadie, I was stretched and grown in so many ways, and I love those guys dearly. I can't to get on the road myself, shitty promoters, useless booking agents, poor merch sales and all. I discovered that there is never an innappropriate time for prayer, and that it really is all about Jesus. This year I have no resolutions, I have no starry eyed romantic outlook on it, I dont feel any different. I just want to go where Jesus wants to take me. I really do love all of you.

So heres to you 2009 I never thought about you before, lets make it a good one. I hope.