shopping

I'm walking down the road. I have twenty euros in my pocket a backpack on, and the intent to buy something. I put something on the ipod, music sets the mood for the walk, I put on something soft, some Ben Gibbard project I assume. I would sing out loud, but I can't hear myself, so I'm certain it would be out of key. I struggle with my thoughts, various people walk by and I consider the lives of most of them. Occasionally a girl will pass by that catches my eye, I briefly imagine what it would be like to date her, mental images of her throwing her arms around my neck smiling the big smiles of those in love.  As soon as the mental image comes, it goes, brief, pointless. I walk into the supermarket, all German super markets look pretty much the same. Passing by the fruits and vegetables, I stare at dairy products, and select a frappachino from the refrigerated shelves. I walk up and down the aisles, tmy mind, only half on what are on the shelves, are reviewing the day and upcoming week. I pick up some dinner for the evening, some form of noodles. I try not to think about Luise, those thoughts are too painful at the moment, I choke back the emotion and think about the trivial bullshit that lines the shelves. I reach the liquor aisle, I pick up a bottle of some kind of American whiskey. Feeling the weight of it, considering returning everything else I have picked up and blowing the twenty on the bottle in my hand. I put the bottle back and grab something highly caffeinated instead. I don't get drunk, I just consume unhealthy quantities of caffeine. My brain briefly produces the memory of drinking six Red Bulls in an evening at some bar I hated myself for being at, and the fact that my heart beat oddly all night. That memory brings up Tine, If I never see her again It'll be for the better. Whatever. I think about where I live, and how thankful I am for it. I consider all I gave up for it. Unfair. Everyday is a fight. Luise comes to mind again, I immediatly think of her deciding to go out with a friend of mine, I cobsuder what I would do if that happened, worried I wouldn't be abe to afford enough whiskey to get, and keep me drunk. I put on some angrier music. Upset at myself for thinking about it. I grab some brightly colored shower gel I don't need. Axe's marketing department did their job well, it my only real consumer based weakness, I always spring for the more expensive soap I don't need, justifing that of things to blow more money on, the extra euro for shower gel wasn;t the worst thing, It's not like I was buying stacks of lottery tickets. We all have to have standards I guess. I review the open cash registers, selecting one with a slighty longer line, but the cashier is pretty and close to my age. She's blonde, All guys secretly have a thing for blonde girls. I place my selcted items on the counter and grab a packet of Fisherman's Friends, little pieces of almost pure menthol that you suck on like hard candy, I like the idea of having a habit of some kind, and at least this one is healthy. I take one earbud out as I ge nearer to the cashier, God, shes pretty. Its my turn, she looks up and flashes a brief smile, "Hallo!" "Hello" I say, and return the smile. I wish I knew more German so I could flirt a bit. No luck. I glance up at the total, its under twenty and thats all I care about. I take out my wallet, pay, and take my backpack off. I collect my change and tuff my purchases in the backpack, quickly thinking about all the places I've taken it and how no one has any idea my story. I'd like to think the girl would be interested if she knew. I put the bag back on my back and wish the cashier a nice rest of her day. I walk through the door and back down the road. I wish my bike wasn't broken. I'd be home quicker. I cycle through my mental checklist. I probably should have blown the money on fixing the bike. Whatever.

Thoughts

I think I ended not going to Berlin for a million little reasons, all them incredibly important. So many things happened while i was here that couldn't/wouldn't have if I had gone.

Parents of handicapped kids deserve a lot of respect, and take a pure joy in their kid's smallest accomplishments.

I think I'll be a good parent one day.

Would there have been an uproar in the Christian community if Brokeback Mountain was about a heterosexual affair \ instead of a homosexual one?

Why have Christians decided to send all of their judgment at the homosexual community? If it is a sin, then please show me NEW testament scriptures that state that being gay is somehow worse than anything else?

If it had come out that Ted Haggard had been compulsively stealing cars, would the Church be up in arms about him being restored too quickly?

I hate how lazy I've been in keeping in contact with people.

I think Pharisee's get a somewhat bad rap at times, I somehow doubt every last one was corrupt, I think some were simply stuck in a broken system.

No preacher has the final word on anything, If they ever claim too then they are delusional and dangerous.

Worship is a state of the mind and of the heart, and you don't need to sing to enter it

Say, A judge has to sentence his own son to life in prison for committing murder, do you really think he takes any pleasure in it? I would imagine tears in his eyes as he said, "I love you, but your actions have consequences, and you need to accept them. Consider G-d like this, as we debate back and forth on why a loving G-d would allow people to spend eternity in hell.

an idea

would any of my (two) writer friends have any interest in turning my any of the Adrifter's into a short story?
I understand if you dont't have the time or are totally not interested. just a thought.

Adrifter II pt 2: Returner

1. past
i will never stop loving you
only till death did we part
But in my heart i carry you
never apart
i couldn't let you go if i tried
and my soul keeps calling back to you
my heart died when I left that ship
if i go back maybe i could bring it back to life

unable to breath
you were the breath in my lungs
unable to bleed
you were the blood in my veins
sweeter than any honey
more beautiful than any star
am i awake
or am i dead
i had my finger in the trigger
did i pull it?
i still remember your face
and how it stopped time
our love
stronger than a nova
greater than a galaxy
please won't you come home to me?


2.fault
head spinning
i caused it
dizzy
though i have not moved
i vomit on the floor
i barely notice it
head in my hands

strike me dead where i stand

3.choice
going back..........
embracing my sorrow here...............
could I make the trek back?

i have no idea

my heart is heavy, it anchors me to her
but my sorrow anchors me here

I know which is heavier


4. returner
i will take a ship back
i will bring her here
maybe then i will be forgiven
or i will die in the attempt
i want for either one
i shall be returner


5.abstraction of movement
i am moving, moving towards something
someone
but space is a behemoth
these stars pass by too slowly
it does not feel like I am moving
i am moving but standing still

i hope she is waiting
i am coming
however abstract my movement...


6.adrifter
adrifting here for days.
space is so big
and am i so small
how could i find a single ship
in this black sea

crying out for her
crying out for You

save me from doubt

i know that "the darkness will not be dark to You"
give me Your eyes


7.healing
there is a garden
and a river runs through it
and there we find redemption
and there we find healing
come dip your soul in the river
broken hearts
be healed
i swim to the bottom
and drink deep of it's water

my love, forgive me

come
let us swim
come

there is garden
and a river runs through it
and it's waters heal my soul


8.found
Your singing wakes me
You were singing songs of her
i knew i would find her
You brought me to her
delivered me safely
how can i ever repay You?

you can't

why are You so good to me?

I love you

9. atonement
running to the ship
which was to be my coffin
and is already hers
but i will bring her back
a proper goodbye
---------------- u
---------------- r
---------------- i
---------------- a
---------------- l

this was worth the distance
i love her so much
thank You for bringing me to her
this is my atonement


10. forgiven
shortly after leaving
i drift into sleep
back into the garden

she is there, You are too
singing songs to me

finally free
finally forgiven

My son, you were forgiven long ago
by Me
and by her.

but now, my heart feels free
this no longer owns me

i fall asleep in her arms under a tree by the river


11. redemption
i realize it fully now
i did not have to do a thing to be redeemed
redeemed by You

but i had to make things right
and You blessed my journey

i love You
i love You

cradle me as i joyously
drift
all
the
way

back


12.home
entering earth's orbit
i wonder what that following days
may bring

my heart is filled

no matter what happens
i know i did right by her
and by You
this will all be put to rest
and now I finally can


rest

Worry: version 2

heres a new version I just pulled together, better quality, more editing. I'm more awake too.
did either of you get the emails I sent?

Video blog: Worry