love

I wanted to paint you a picture
one whose colors could express the pain my life has held
and the joy it now contains
but I could find no brushes to put to my canvas
and I was never really good at painting

I wanted to write you a song
one whose melody could carry my soul along with it
as your ears drank in the sound
but my hands could not form the notes and chords
and no music came from my guitar

I then wanted to write you a beautiful poem
one whose words could be woven in such a way
that the very depths of my heart could be revealed
but I wrote this instead
will you forgive me?

oh , beloved
oh, beloved
none of my creativity could ever truly express
the love I have for you
or how beautiful you are.

so will you forgive me as I offer you this?
Lyrics to a song that will never be sung
whose melody will never be found
for this is all I can give
to show how much,
how very much,
I love you.

so this is what I have so far....

this is super rough draft of part of chapter 1. just so you know





--

It had all started when Saul was in the first grade. The playground at is school was directly next to a fairly large hill. The side facing the playground was nearly 90 degrees straight up, and mostly made of rock. It reminded him of the cliffs in the coyote and roadrunner cartoons he would watch with his father on the weekends. It was recess and all the children were out playing. Saul had just returned from using the bathroom when he got a flash of what was to come, like a video playing in his mind, clear as day, without the fog of the mind like normal thoughts have. He saw a girl from his class playing hopscotch next to the hill , and saw her crushed by a rock that had come loose at the top of the hill. He knew this would happen, as sure as he knew he had art class right after recess. Being so young, he had no grasp of the fact that this was unique and assuming it was normal, he looked around waiting for one of the adults to run over and stop it. When no one did anything, he ran over to one of the teachers and, nearly crying, asked "Aren't you going to do something?" The teacher looked down with a worried expression "Do something about what? What's wrong?" Exasperated and annoyed at his teacher's obvious ignorance he shouted " Rachel is going to get hurt? Don't you know?" then suddenly pressed with the knowledge that the rock was about to fall, he ran "Hurt? Hurt how? the teacher shouted after him. But Saul was already fast approaching the other side of the playground where Rachel was standing. He started dragging her away, under loud protest from her and her friends, who were obviously offended he had broken up their game and that it was a boy doing it. Saul didn't care. Rachel turned around to bite down on Saul's arm and stopped mid bite as she saw a rock bigger than her tumble down and stop where she had just been standing. Then in that moment, made suddenly aware of her own mortality, Rachel started half crying half shrieking while holding onto Saul as if the world itself would fall down around her if she dared let go.
None of the teachers understand exactly what had happened. They tried explaining it."Maybe Saul noticed the rock looking like it was coming loose." Said one, as they sat in the teacher's lounge, discussing what had happened over coffee. "No," said another "The rock was at the very top of the hill, he no one could've seen it from down on the playground. " The teachers disccused almost every day for about a week before becoming exhausting every possible explanation and eventually just wrote it off as 'one of those things' and forgot about it.
Saul got free ice cream for a week from the cafeteria, Rachel did too, just as a matter of principle.
Recess for the rest of the month was in the gym. As workers installed a net over the rock face so as to prevent anything like that from happening ever again. During recess a few days later, Saul walked over to Rachel who, still shaken from everything that had happened, was sitting in the corner reading quietly. " Are you ok?" Saul asked quietly, Rachel looked up "Sorta..." she trailed off "You were really brave for saving me!" Saul blushed " I guess so," there was a pause as they both searched for what to say next. They both started talking again at the same time blurting out " Hey do you wanna..." Rachel stopped "Sorry," she said "Go on" Saul blushed again "would you wanna play candyland with me?" " I love that game!" Rachel exclaimed. From that day forward, Rachel and Saul were inseperable. Saul was eventually accepted by Rachel's other friends, who were, at first, both annoyed and angry that rachel was hanging out with a boy, but eventually they over looked their differences and Saul was treated like just another member of the gang. Saul was just thankful to have a group a friends around him.

addendum

And, if you're in the middle of one of lifes many storms, remember, G-d still has you in his arms. Even when everyone else considers the storm old news, G-d suffers with us.

Gifts

I think G-d takes the crises that we go thru,and repackages them as gifts. Without suffering we never grow. One week ago, a friend of mine died, and here I am, on the otherside of the planet, trying to figure out how to deal with it all.

It got me thinking, what if something happens to someone else? What if one of parents gets hurt? What if Dane does something extra stupid? What in the world am I doing all the way over here?

Then on Sunday, a friend took me aside, and said "G-d told me to tell you that your place is still here."

I will be stronger through this, even though things will never me quite the same ever again.

Two of the most powerful words in any language are "me too".

I have hit rock bottom, and teetered on the brink of insanity, and then, a friend came along side me and said "Yeah, I've been there too."

That's one of the main reason G-d lets us go through these things. So one day, when someone turn to us, we can say "I've been there too, and this is how I got through it."

We can be of so much more comfort when we've been in the same place.

Have you ever noticed when people try to give out advice when they have no point of reference how it almost always ends up sounding shallow and rehearsed?

But when they've been there too, there's a reality and a comfort that speak louder than their words.

G-d gives us gifts so we can share them.

So share.

Lawless Bastards Chapter 1: With Fire

I watched my world burn down to the ground today
in the name of greed,
as the new gods of railroad took over
oh fire,
burn my minds eye
burn my minds eye
burn my minds eye,
so I never have to see this again.