So I watch from the dark, I'm stronger now from the spark. And I glow, maybe I'm already home.

"You're a leader, leaders lead, be careful where you lead your followers"- Bryn Gillette, to me, a few years ago.

Why am I a leader?

Why do people follow me?

What does it mean to be a servant?

What does it mean to lead?

How am I supposed to lead people,
If I'm so lost myself?

Maybe I'm not lost. I don't know....


Regardless, when I stay up way too late sometimes,
I'll wish i had opiates,
get pissed at general unfairness,
wonder what the fuck I'm doing with myself,
become depressed,
wonder at life and it's unfathomable awesomeness,
Take heart in G-d,
listen to good music,
Then Blog.

Fuck

This

Emptiness.

I love G-d.

Christ Jesus, the Risen Lord,
Loves You,

and so do i...

Are you serious? I mean seriously??

I love how we as Christians make exceptions all the time. Yeah i mean the Bible says its a sin but I mean, I'm young right? I'l settle down when I'm older. I mean, I guess I should read my Bible, a little more than bi-monthly, but honestly, I'm a busy guy. I can't fit it into my busy schedule, I'll study the Bible by proxy, Back off. I mean I "know" Jesus should invade every part of my life, we sing these songs about giving it all up, or surrendering it all or whatever, but Jesus is probably happy with Sundays (only if I'm at church) and Youth Group. I mean, really, I can;t be expeceted to live like that all the time. I have to yell at people in traffic, and hold grudges against people, I cant just let that go. I know the Bible says that a wise man accepts criticism and learns from it, but I mean, I'm RIGHT! People who tell me I'm wrong couldn't possibly be right. I mean, even if they maybe have something constructive to say, they're probably just trying to make fun of me, and I'm pretty sure if I just make fun of them enough, and talk loud enough, they'll shut up, and aknowledge that they're wrong.

WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Seriously. Christianity is all nice and good, on sundays and when you happen to be at church. But honestly, if you dont want to live that way all the time or at least try, (I mean lets be honesnt, for a sec, we're all human and we're gonna fail) but if you not willing to at least try, be honest with yourself, and stop calling yourself a Christian. Live it or don't. Stop giving us a bad name. I dont care if you;re on stage, working at a Christian book store, or leading the worship team, or just living your life, We're all called to higher standard as Christians, thats just the way it is.

This is so for me and all of you.

So this is the new year....

I find I dwelt on 2008 so long i never thought about anything afterwords. At least not specifically anyway. I thought about my future career and family etc. but it was never specific. I thought about 2008 and graduating high school and so on. If I was told what my life was going to do back in 6th grade I would've never believed it. I left school after 10th grade, to go to Austria and work at a bible school, there I worked 6 days a week doing difficult labor, but never did well enough, made a friend in a girl some 8 years older than I was, developed a gigantic and unhealthy crush on her, spiraled deep into a depression which was riddled with panic attacks and manic episodes. Came home in 07, got my sanity back. then in the fall I was the best man at my other best friends wedding. i then started a part time internship at the church and graduated high school. Then a few days before the year a friendship bloomed into a relationship. This time last year I was with her and my best friend and my best friend's girl. A few months later my best friend proposed to his girl which caused a rift in our friendship that won't heal for a long time. A few months after that I broke it off with my girlfriend. That summer, My best friend who got married almost a year prior had a son. I'm so excited to watch him grow and see my friend become a father. The next day I went to Germany for two weeks, and I found the Shawn to my Corey (side note, yes that is a Boy meets world reference) and a plan for my life, I was to go to Germany to pursue my dream of being a youth pastor. after that, I went on tour for a total of about 3 months as a roadie, I was stretched and grown in so many ways, and I love those guys dearly. I can't to get on the road myself, shitty promoters, useless booking agents, poor merch sales and all. I discovered that there is never an innappropriate time for prayer, and that it really is all about Jesus. This year I have no resolutions, I have no starry eyed romantic outlook on it, I dont feel any different. I just want to go where Jesus wants to take me. I really do love all of you.

So heres to you 2009 I never thought about you before, lets make it a good one. I hope.