RE:RE:lationships

I watched Jay Bakker in his six part miniseries today. I identified heavily, and also felt for him as He dealt with his Mother's impending death at the hands of that devilishly designed cancer that eats people from the inside out. I saw ow supportive his wife was. I want a girl who is on my level, that meets me perfectly where I am. That doesn't care about trivial school/teenage politics bullshit. One of my ex-girlfriends went from a girl whose faith I admired to somone who abnded G-d for a self serving lifstyle. The crushing sense that I had somehow failed her as she explained where she was to me was so heavy I could hardly breath. My other ex-girlfriend started dating someone else bairly 3 weeks after we broke up. I still have no real closure over the situation. I don't know the guy she's dating, but I hope he loves G-d and is trying to follow Jesus. If that's not the case, she's not headed anywhere good. A man is supposed to be the head of the relationship, the leader, he has to be going towards G-d, because G-d, our father, tells us, warns us, pleads with us, not to be unequally yoked. He knows where it goes, It just leads to pain. He knows whats best, and the pain he feels when people choose to go away from what he knows is best would crush a mortal. He's giving some of it to me now, and want to cry, so badly. It's like an anchor in my chest, a weight, a hurt that wont go away. My question to any girl out there that might be reading this, Are true Biblical man and wife relationships something that girls want to pursue also? (not asking for a date, I just want to know if we're both on the same page in general)

opiates

Today I spoke to a friend I hadn't spoken to in 2 years. He was used to the right wing me, instead of me now. He recently became a Quaker. Which is surprising, considering last time I knew anything he worshiped a stump in his back yard. Maybe G-d can bring him home yet.
I think I'm moving to Germany for a while. I'd be getting an apartment, and learning how to lead the youth. I love getting to know G-d, I wish I was better at it.

I am tired of fake Christianity, its painfully obvious that a friend of mine is just a Christian at church and when he wants to be. Is it wrong to call him on the bullshit? I want realness. I don't so much care what your beliefs are as long you hold to them.

I no longer want to be patronized with bad advice, or advice specific to the person giving it to me.
I stopped going to people for advice, it makes them feel better, but they're really bad at it. And it only makes me annoyed, and I feel, well, patronized. I've realized more and more that I need a new friend group, one that meets me where I am. I can continue relationships with my friends now, but not as their peer. I have to keep my ministry cirlce seperate from my peer circle. I still love them, but I'm keeping so many of my plans and thoughts seperate from them so to avoid advice that they would give, but are not not otherwise "qualified" to.

And to you, reading this, yes you. Where do we stand? Tell me if you found this. I want an Idea of who is reading this.



I want you to know this actually is me talking, Its taken a while for me to write this because I've had to sift out the falseities, the crap that isn't really me

The Joker, Resignations, World Hunger, and September 11th

The Joker: "Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds!"

A man I hold in high esteem resigned from his post today. For reasons that make sense. I find it odd that me and most everyone I know who has found out flipped when they first heard it. It didn't fit with the plan, the unconscious plan we all had, that this wouldn't be the case. We don't like it when things don;t follow the plan. And everyone knows the plan, the way things should be and ought to be. These people die, these people don't. Every day, almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes--one child every five seconds. A fact easily found, did any of you even flinch as you read that? No, not at all. Because it's part of the plan. On Sept. 11th 2,974 died, and the nation was thrown into disarray. More than 5 times that number (2,974) die every day, EVERY DAY. But no one flinches because that fits into the plan. I think People need to care about this. Someone estimated that, to provide the entire world clean water and food,to solve this crisis, it would cost roughly 20 Billion dollars. America, spends that much on Ice cream, in a year. Where are our priorities?

I did not mean to trivialize the tragedy that was Sept. 11th, 2001. That day was burned into my mind forever, and I have no connections to it. I cannot fathom what it must be like for those that do. I simply used the statistics to point out a flaw in our mindset. America is not the world, we are a small part of a global community, but we don't act like it.

for the sounded alarms and the sirens of ships wrecked

this is new
this is old
this is me breaking me free
from scathing eyes
and public thought
this is opinion
honest and raw
this is one man's search for G-d
this is one man's search for himself
for answers
for questions
for the peace within himself
for Christ in the every day
past bullshit
and phony
public personas
put on
in an effort
to fit in
past cliché'd
recylcled
unoriginality

this is journal
this is free thought
this could be everything
or nothing
if you are reading this,
don't look to closely
but don't look away
you might miss it.

if you found this, don't blab, dont spill, i want this to be received by the people who would care enough to find it. I still dont know what this will be. stay with me, this should be fun.