Heres what I did today

Got up too late,
took the train to church
ran powerpoint for worship/the sermon
watched my (ex?)girlfriend break down and cry (iseriouslywishiknewwhattodo)
(isitwrongthatididnothing? I can't handle the weight of the world)
left church
grabbed a soda
took a train home
grabbed some food
ate in the park
hung out in my room
had bbq
hung out till 12:45

I want taco bell

I want to be home, I want to see my friends. I want to make 7-11 and mickey d's sweet tea runs.
I want to spend a ridiculous amount of time at morning star.


I kind of want to cry.

I just want to visit home. I don't want to fight everyday. I want to be able to joke around. I want to be able to crack  a joke and not have to explain it.

I want to be loud while rocking out in the car with my friends.

I want to get woken up at 9:30 by a call from Steve C. telling me, not asking me, that there's something on the other side of the state that we desperately need to check out.

I want to be not here.


I'm feeling homesick. well I always feel a bit homesick. Sometimes its worse than others.

I remember sitting at our table in the kitchen, our house mom had just made us a great meal, and I just sat there not engaging in conversation, just staring out the window crying silently.

It's been 4 months, but sometimes, I just feel so out of place, and invisible.

Sometimes when I stare at the mirror, I'm not making funny faces, I'm looking deep into my eyes, and asking myself the hell I was thinking.

I want taco bell

Micro-Blog

I should read more, specifically my Bible

I enjoy being the one dude in the house who likes pb&j and sweet tea.

my natural reaction is to rebel

I  have a kafka streak about my writing,  i have tons of blog posts and poems unfinished. one even stops half sentence.

I'm feeling sick at the moment, this may or may not have to do with the piece of plastic I swallowed last week. I'm not too worried though.

One reason I put my relationship on pause is because of her baggage, i was the only one giving. the relationship was one-sided. I hope I dont sound too selfish.

I always secretly hope that my blogs get read when I publish them.

I think about getting married and the  thereafter more than the average male does (I think)

I've been writing this post for an hour now.......

I have somewhat of  an unconventional taste in women.

I think I'll do what I say I do and

My life Story (anybody like MXPX?) thus far anyways

 First off, this will help things as i go along, I was born to an American dad and a German mom, and due to the laws of both countries, I have duel citizenship, which has been a huge blessing.

    My parents were both part of a missionary organization called The Covenant Players, they still exist today and they travel by van all around the country and do Christian plays at any church, school, retirement center or whatever they can book. They are a worldwide  organization My mom joined in Germany, and my dad joined in the States. My mom was then transferred to the USA and my parents met there. So I've grown up in a (somewhat) bilingual Christian household. But my faith didn't become mine until one day, I randomly stumbled across the audio book version of Son of a Preacherman by Jay Bakker . The book which I later got the paperback version of, radically changed my outlook on Christianity, My faith became my own and I started to have passions. It was also around this time that I decided that one day I wanted to be a youth pastor. That next year, I began down what would be the next life changing thing in my life, I started to get into Hardcore music. Zao, Project 86 and Norma Jean were the first bands I got into. As I began to listen to NJ's Bless the Martyr and Kiss the Child, I also began to look up to the lead singer. Which led me that summer to pick up The Chariot's first album. Which i fell in love with. That next year in school I started dating my first serious girlfriend and started going to shows. One show in particular would change my life in the long run. It was P.O.D, Pillar, The Chariot and Maylene and the Sons of Disaster. There I met a member of the band Wrench In The Works, who i would bump into randomly over the course of the next 2 years. (but more on that later)

    At the end of that school year,  two things happened, first my girlfriend broke up with me via email, and so utterly depressed by it, I decided to get plastered, but there was no booze in the house, so I stayed sober. It was at this point that I became straight edge, reasoning that, if that;s my first impulse, then I;d beter just not start drinking. Second, tipped off by the fact that I failed completely, my mom came to conclusion that school was not for me. So She suggested that I take a year off and figure my life out, but not at home, In Austria. That summer I turned 16, and after much prayer and blessing from my youth pastors mentors and friends. I decided to take the year off and go to Austria. There I worked at a Bible school doing maintenance, grounds upkeep, and construction. The first 3-4 months were ok, but in February, a few things led me to spiral into a deep depression. First was the homesickness, I didn't have any very good friends there, and second I developed an unhealthy and deep crush/attachment to a girl some 8 years older than me. The last few months there I dealt with depression, mania and panic attacks. Near the end I all but cut myself from contact with the others there I would wake up eat breakfast work, eat lunch, work some more, skip dinner and shower and hang out in my room until I decided to go to sleep. A few things kept me sane, one were weekly calls with my mentor, the other thing was music, specifically The Chariot's Fiancee and mewithoutYou's Brother, Sister.

    In May of 07, I came back home and my life returned to normalcy. That next summer I officially dropped out of school and began to study for my GED. Which I took and passed. The start of the next school year I began to intern at my church under my two youth pastors. And I was the best man at my best friend's wedding. The next summer I went on a missions trip to Germany with my church's college ministry and found out about a program with the church there, where I, in a very hands on way get a theology degree. More on that in a bit.

Remember how I met that band Wrench In The Works?  Well at the end of the summer, they told em they needed a roadie. So I quit my job at Subway, and embarked on a total (not all at once) of 2 or 3 months of touring.  I traveled the country and met some of the most awesome people, made some of my closest friends, learned a ton and grew up a lot. I got back from tour at the end of November.

      The next few months I geared up to move to Germany. I moved here in March and I've become a leader in both youth groups at the church here. I am currently job less (I think I'm just lazy) but I'm loving it. G-d provides. 3 weeks ago, I began dating the most emotionally damged girl I could possibly find, but yesterday we decided to take a break, she was not ready for a relationship, she just has too much baggage at she needs to work through. So here, I am. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Fuck

Seriously... fuck ...... I'm so sorry if I sound like an egotistical ass.


Ok, I'm a nice guy, I get along with other people well. Most people I know, like me, as a person. It's a rare thing when people just don't.
I bend over backwards for the people I care about. I worry about them a lot. All of them.
Take my lovely girlfriend for example. Even before we were dating, I did my best to make sure she was ok. Walking her home whatever.
(at this point I would like to apologize to my last girlfriend, is she's reading this, for being such a horrible boyfriend. I have recently come to grips with the ass I was, and I sincerely apologize.)
Somehow, i did manage to go out and find the most emotionally damaged girl i could POSSIBLY find. She has baggage, it's of the emotional kind, none of that baggage has wheels on it, and its all heavy as fuck. This baggage makes her horribly afraid of physical But contact, mistrustful of any person with an XY chromosome and all in all horribly afraid of intimacy of any kind. But, regardless, I have done everything In my power to gain her trust and deal with her lack of communication.

Sometimes, though, I can't deal with being nice, or self sacrificing.

Can I just honestly say, as much as I care, and as much as I will do anything in my power to help her out, how seriously frustrating the whole thing is? How emotionally draining hanging out with her can be? How aggravating it is to see how her fear controls her, and how she seems to take comfort in that fear?

I walked her home yesterday, and honestly though she said she was tired and didnt want to spend time together, I wouldn't have wanted to really anyways. I am drained and exhausted, and it's only been 3 weeks.

G-d will you please heal her heart and her mind? Tear down the walls, and the fear. Give me the strength to be in this currently one sided relationship.

and Rene, buddy, If i see you hugging her, I swear to the gods, I'm going to hit you.

Fear Addict

your fear guides you,
consumes you
take its hand
it will guide you exactly where you think you want to go
turn your back on the people who want to help you
this anxiety is your drug
the devil is your dealer
fear is your security blanket
wrap yourself in it
go to sleep
refuse help
obviously healthy behavior
your scent is intoxicating
but your actions make me violently ill
there is only so much one sidedness I can take at one time

q:when do you know you really like someone?

when you walk them home, barefoot, in the rain

The Overtaker

I am the flood
I am the leviathan
And I will swallow you whole

You will be consumed
Completly
No escape

There will be no walls to hold me back
Mountains will crumble with my passing
No strongholds will protect you

Destruction and rebirth in my wake
I am the unstoppable force
Cities will lay in ruin
And they will be rebuilt
They will be stronger for it

I AM the LORD your GOD

There is no point in running
I am the tsunami that covers the Earth

you cannot escape Me
you cannot ignore Me
I will destroy you
and I will build you anew

I want to move to Oklahoma

I have friends there. Awesome friends. They would like to start a band with me.

Life would be more simple there. I love it here In germany, but I sometimes, I wish life was more simple.

Things I worry about are: My girlfriend, my finances, my lack of a job , my relationship, etc.

Things I would like to worry about:
writing lyrics
wear the next venue is
being able to hear everything in the monitors
selling merch
what to listen to during an overnight drive

I love it here, I like my girlfriend a lot (not comfortable calling it love yet, but its moving in that direction), I love my friends, I love where I live.

but sometimes, I think I'm allowed to wish I was somewhere else.