Fuck

Seriously... fuck ...... I'm so sorry if I sound like an egotistical ass.


Ok, I'm a nice guy, I get along with other people well. Most people I know, like me, as a person. It's a rare thing when people just don't.
I bend over backwards for the people I care about. I worry about them a lot. All of them.
Take my lovely girlfriend for example. Even before we were dating, I did my best to make sure she was ok. Walking her home whatever.
(at this point I would like to apologize to my last girlfriend, is she's reading this, for being such a horrible boyfriend. I have recently come to grips with the ass I was, and I sincerely apologize.)
Somehow, i did manage to go out and find the most emotionally damaged girl i could POSSIBLY find. She has baggage, it's of the emotional kind, none of that baggage has wheels on it, and its all heavy as fuck. This baggage makes her horribly afraid of physical But contact, mistrustful of any person with an XY chromosome and all in all horribly afraid of intimacy of any kind. But, regardless, I have done everything In my power to gain her trust and deal with her lack of communication.

Sometimes, though, I can't deal with being nice, or self sacrificing.

Can I just honestly say, as much as I care, and as much as I will do anything in my power to help her out, how seriously frustrating the whole thing is? How emotionally draining hanging out with her can be? How aggravating it is to see how her fear controls her, and how she seems to take comfort in that fear?

I walked her home yesterday, and honestly though she said she was tired and didnt want to spend time together, I wouldn't have wanted to really anyways. I am drained and exhausted, and it's only been 3 weeks.

G-d will you please heal her heart and her mind? Tear down the walls, and the fear. Give me the strength to be in this currently one sided relationship.

and Rene, buddy, If i see you hugging her, I swear to the gods, I'm going to hit you.

Fear Addict

your fear guides you,
consumes you
take its hand
it will guide you exactly where you think you want to go
turn your back on the people who want to help you
this anxiety is your drug
the devil is your dealer
fear is your security blanket
wrap yourself in it
go to sleep
refuse help
obviously healthy behavior
your scent is intoxicating
but your actions make me violently ill
there is only so much one sidedness I can take at one time