The Real Victim Here

get on your dancing shoes
i heard there's a party down at the local crime scene

try and ignore the police line,
its more of a formality

never mind the chalk outline
just keep dancing
never mind that here innocence died
just keep dancing

just make sure the music keeps on playing
and try not to look at blood on the ground

the real victim here was love
the real victim here was love

oh my God, it was you
it was you

You hold the past like a gun
and you pulled the trigger
all the while the speakers were booming
no one heard the shot ring out

never mind the chalk outline
just keep dancing
never mind that here innocence died
just keep dancing

So, what do you think?

Hey guys, If you would like, I can write a post explaining some of my poetry. I can be rather cryptic, I'm aware. But I would enjoy pulling what I write apart, so maybe I'm understood better. I don't have many (read: definitely 2, maybe 3) friends who care to read this on a regular basis. so... what do you think?

sh-sh-showtime

I wear many masks

Punch-drunk, Drag-out Blackout (revised)

normally I don't do this sort of thing, but I thought this one desvered revsion. I think it flows better now, what do you guys think?

trapped in this room,
I've considered going crazy
throwing myself at the door and windows
I given my lights more black eyes than I'll care to count

looking at this bottle filled with amber
then tossing it to the floor
broken glass rips through my feet
but I can't feel it anymore

listless and brooding,
I've been staring at these walls for days.
wondering how I can tear them down
the sheet rock and plaster have endless layers
oh, If I could just learn to behave.

I don't think you'd want to mess with me
as I'm feeling quite quixotic

I'm lost in the bedsheets
as the nights blur into weeks

my closet holds but one skeleton
and it refuses to leave me alone

I'll forget you if you will
I'll forgive me if you won't
I'll forget you if you will

Inmate at the County Fair

Just stop
the world
from spinning
I promise I'll get back on,
Just give me a minute.

I've been on this ride for too long,
I've been on this ride for too long.

I'm feeling dizzy
and vomited tomorrow's lunch
while trying to make it look good for the papers

this fair lost it's appeal
When I realized
That the patrons don't have faces
unless they're staring
into the fun house mirrors

Smile at the swine in the beauty pageant
and visit the pigs while you're at it

the games are all rigged
the games are all rigged
waste your time and leave empty handed
the games are all rigged

misplaced memories

the cold weather is bringing some memories back into sharp focus. Specifically girls dated. I've never really dated anyone during the summer. last week I was remembering Bethany and how magical that was.

Now its Emily, though those memories shouldnt be rearing their collective heads until sometime in December they showed up anyway.

That was a great time in my life. Seriously. She was my first kiss (to those calling shenanigans, Bethany never kissed, because she was prude like that, which in retrospect is pretty cool, though at the time it was lame) and we went to shows together and nerded out talking about music on a regular basis. She was/is awesome and while I'm definetly over her I miss those times, but not in a obsessive way, just a reflective way. You know what I mean. hey Emm, I don't know if you still read this or not, but I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for being a shitty boyfriend way back then, especially there at the end. I hope C-town is treating you well.

I was also interning at my church and working at subway. Also, every night, due to my flat feet and the severe pain that standing on them all day making sandwiches would bring, I was on oxycodone to help me sleep. I would crank up the heat in my room, play Brave Saint Saturn on the ipod and pass out. I still havent slept as well as I did then. I fully understand how people get addicted to that stuff. Seriously. I realize I';m straight edge and all. But it felt awesome. just saying guys.

Vocal Chord.

eyes snaping open
the weight of your heart firmly on my shoulders
emotions flicker between dream like idealism
and gut wrenching manufactured jealousy
images run by like damgaged film reels
replaying
again and again and again and again and again
and it starts eating away at my already battered soul

I have torn down and destroyed everything in my path to stop this ringing in my ears

I bite it all back
I bite it all back
hold back it back
and keep up appearances

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
and from the bottom of my heart
maybe when the vocal chords rip
the pain will leave with my voice

"Punch-drunk, Drag-out Blackout"

trapped in this room,
and I've considered going crazy
throwing myself against the door and the windows
I given my lights more black eyes than I care to count

looking at this bottle filled with amber
then tossing it to the floor
broken glass tears through my feet
but I can't feel it anymore

listless and brooding,
I've been staring at my wall for days.
wondering how I can punch it down
the sheet rock and plaster have endless layers
oh, If I could just learn to behave.

I doubt you'd want to mess with me
I'm feeling quite quixotic

I'm lost in the bedsheets
as the nights blur into weeks

I'll forget you if you will
I'll forgive me if you won't
I'll forget you if you will

we live in a beautiful world

have you ever had a a single thought paralyze you? Something that came to mind that was so powerful that you almost unconsciously stop everything else you were doing to focus on it? That happened to me today. I was listening to As Cities Burn and one lyric hit me and I havent been able to stop thinking about it.

The song is called "Our World Is Grey" and the line goes "she's putting cuts on her legs to bleed out the devil." You see my ex used to cut herself. I remember very clearly her showing me the swiss army knife she used and explaining how and where she would cut herself   She used to cut herself on the legs, first with the regular blade to make the initial cut, then with the serrated one to make the cut deeper.

As those words from the song rang out in my ears, mental images of her doing that rocked through my mind. I almost cried. If you're wondering what the hell is wrong with me, briefly imagine someone you care for intentionally hurting themselves in that way.

wow...... I'm tearing up as I type this.

Powerful thoughts give us reason for pause.

Have you ever had this experience?

hearts still beating

lets give the world the finger,
lets create beautiful art together.
"art is not the world, art is in our hearts"
surely this is true
so let us dance and sing
let us show the beauty of G-d to everyone we meet.
we'll paint this town not just red, but every color under the sun.
so come with me, 
We'll show the world how G-d's grace falls on everyone

come with me
we are flawed but made perfect
born into death but our hearts are still beating
living in hopelessness, but we have hope

Is heart still beating?
Is your soul still bleeding?
Are you still breathing?

Then come with me
we'll breath life inot the death that surrounds us
light is still more powerful than infinite amounts of dark

short and to the point

 I'm still exahausted, I stil miss my ex. I still have not had any time to deal with my emotions.

Been listening to Godpseed You! Black Emperor a lot recently.
my week still isnt over worked today. working tomorrow.

I'm certainly the biggest asshole on the planet. Seriously.

I had a dream two nights ago that me and luise were back together. I got me thru the day. I hate how much I miss her. I think I'm idealizing our relationship in my mind. whatever. fuck me. I have the feeling we'll be back together someday. mood currently summarized by the songs I miss you and down by Blink 182. I am so fucking teenager and emo about this whole thing. I kind of wonder if I fianlly realized what love is. Probably not. probably not at all.  

I wish me phone worked. I could call Bryn and talk things over. Christy, big sister,  need you like crazy.
I am so fucking tired. I worked every day this week aout 8 hours a day. and I'm working tomorrow again 9 hours. then maybe sunday. then definetly mon-wed. with a possibility of thursday and friday if tues and sunday  get rained out.

who doesnt love doing 2 weeks of work in 10 days?

am I making any sense?