I live by dying....

My life is moving forward

Rene is leaving, thus creating space for me to work at the church, I should be starting there sometime soon,

and life goes on.

Rene is leaving, Marcus left, I will have no guy friends left here. I guess my prayers that G-d would grow Michele ever closer together have been answered,

and life goes on.

I left so much behind to come here, Its finally starting to feel like it was all worth it. One of my best friends got married, my other best friend's son is growing up and I'm not around, that's tough,

and life goes on.

I'm truly happy. Thank you G-d.

Grace

I screwed up today and decided to visit old habits. I wasted a little bit more of my life on porn. I felt terrible. I called up Michele and begged her forgiveness.

and she forgave me.

then as I tried to understand her love and grace for me, I said "I don't deserve you."

what she said next made me cry.

She said "Yes you do"

I am not worthy of her love and forgiveness.

I am not worthy of G-d's love and forgiveness.

But their love makes me worthy.

You are made worthy.

Worthy of love,
worthy of acceptance,
worthy of forgiveness,
worthy of grace.


You are worthy.

You are WORTHY

YOU are WORTHY!

YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Updates and thoughts

-I have a girlfriend, her name is Michele and I am ridiculously blessed to have her.

-I've been working at a vinyard on and off, I work on whats called a 400 euro basis, which means I can only earn 400 euros in a month, (which is the maximum I can earn without having to pay taxes) but because I work 9 hour days and get 6.50 an hour I burn through that pretty quick.

-I'm hammering out all the details for school and should be starting in September.

-Rene and Marcus, my two closest guy friends are moving away soon. G-d revealed that he's going to take this time to grow Michele and I closer together.

- Last week my Mom was here, we went down to visit my grandma. My grandma is doing a lot better, but it doesn't change the fact my mom was still a basket case from worrying all week. We need to rent out my grandmas house to help pay for her assisted living bills, and my mom just sees a mountain that she can't climb. There was a role reversal where I had to be strong for my mom all week. Rather emotionally draining to say the least.

- G-d revealed some very awesome things to me this past week:

• He revealed how past hurts from past relationships weren't fully healed, He revealed that one of Satan's favorite lies to tell me is that everything good in my life is going to fall apart and I deserve nothing else.
• He revealed that in the storms of life, he picks me up and holds me close to him. I watched the first Nooma entitled Rain, and started crying my eyes out.
• I didn't know how I was going to get to my Michele's place this weekend, (its a half hour away by car and there is no train there), the usual guy who picks me up is on a soccer retreat with the youth group this weekend, but he mentioned I should try calling Michele's sister, I tried and she wouldn't pick up and wouldn't pick up, eventually she did and she said she ould come and pick me up Friday night, I put the phone down and I was hit, in a very real sense, with a line I heard from a sermon recently "We live in a God-drenched world, so there is nothing to be afraid of!" The holy spirit hit me with this line and I just started jumping around and rolling on the floor laughing my head off. Yes folks, the charismatic scene isn't all bullshit.
  

- All of what G-d revealed to me I had already known, but not deep within me. G-d is good to us.

- I've taught twice in the last few weeks at the high school group, both times was primarily in German, and both times people said I did a good job.

-We have a new American. His name is Wesley and he's from Illinois. Super nice kid, he'll be interning for two months. I'm glad to have him here.

If any of you who read this just wanna throw me an email or IM to chat, please do. I love all of you.

love

I wanted to paint you a picture
one whose colors could express the pain my life has held
and the joy it now contains
but I could find no brushes to put to my canvas
and I was never really good at painting

I wanted to write you a song
one whose melody could carry my soul along with it
as your ears drank in the sound
but my hands could not form the notes and chords
and no music came from my guitar

I then wanted to write you a beautiful poem
one whose words could be woven in such a way
that the very depths of my heart could be revealed
but I wrote this instead
will you forgive me?

oh , beloved
oh, beloved
none of my creativity could ever truly express
the love I have for you
or how beautiful you are.

so will you forgive me as I offer you this?
Lyrics to a song that will never be sung
whose melody will never be found
for this is all I can give
to show how much,
how very much,
I love you.

so this is what I have so far....

this is super rough draft of part of chapter 1. just so you know





--

It had all started when Saul was in the first grade. The playground at is school was directly next to a fairly large hill. The side facing the playground was nearly 90 degrees straight up, and mostly made of rock. It reminded him of the cliffs in the coyote and roadrunner cartoons he would watch with his father on the weekends. It was recess and all the children were out playing. Saul had just returned from using the bathroom when he got a flash of what was to come, like a video playing in his mind, clear as day, without the fog of the mind like normal thoughts have. He saw a girl from his class playing hopscotch next to the hill , and saw her crushed by a rock that had come loose at the top of the hill. He knew this would happen, as sure as he knew he had art class right after recess. Being so young, he had no grasp of the fact that this was unique and assuming it was normal, he looked around waiting for one of the adults to run over and stop it. When no one did anything, he ran over to one of the teachers and, nearly crying, asked "Aren't you going to do something?" The teacher looked down with a worried expression "Do something about what? What's wrong?" Exasperated and annoyed at his teacher's obvious ignorance he shouted " Rachel is going to get hurt? Don't you know?" then suddenly pressed with the knowledge that the rock was about to fall, he ran "Hurt? Hurt how? the teacher shouted after him. But Saul was already fast approaching the other side of the playground where Rachel was standing. He started dragging her away, under loud protest from her and her friends, who were obviously offended he had broken up their game and that it was a boy doing it. Saul didn't care. Rachel turned around to bite down on Saul's arm and stopped mid bite as she saw a rock bigger than her tumble down and stop where she had just been standing. Then in that moment, made suddenly aware of her own mortality, Rachel started half crying half shrieking while holding onto Saul as if the world itself would fall down around her if she dared let go.
None of the teachers understand exactly what had happened. They tried explaining it."Maybe Saul noticed the rock looking like it was coming loose." Said one, as they sat in the teacher's lounge, discussing what had happened over coffee. "No," said another "The rock was at the very top of the hill, he no one could've seen it from down on the playground. " The teachers disccused almost every day for about a week before becoming exhausting every possible explanation and eventually just wrote it off as 'one of those things' and forgot about it.
Saul got free ice cream for a week from the cafeteria, Rachel did too, just as a matter of principle.
Recess for the rest of the month was in the gym. As workers installed a net over the rock face so as to prevent anything like that from happening ever again. During recess a few days later, Saul walked over to Rachel who, still shaken from everything that had happened, was sitting in the corner reading quietly. " Are you ok?" Saul asked quietly, Rachel looked up "Sorta..." she trailed off "You were really brave for saving me!" Saul blushed " I guess so," there was a pause as they both searched for what to say next. They both started talking again at the same time blurting out " Hey do you wanna..." Rachel stopped "Sorry," she said "Go on" Saul blushed again "would you wanna play candyland with me?" " I love that game!" Rachel exclaimed. From that day forward, Rachel and Saul were inseperable. Saul was eventually accepted by Rachel's other friends, who were, at first, both annoyed and angry that rachel was hanging out with a boy, but eventually they over looked their differences and Saul was treated like just another member of the gang. Saul was just thankful to have a group a friends around him.

addendum

And, if you're in the middle of one of lifes many storms, remember, G-d still has you in his arms. Even when everyone else considers the storm old news, G-d suffers with us.

Gifts

I think G-d takes the crises that we go thru,and repackages them as gifts. Without suffering we never grow. One week ago, a friend of mine died, and here I am, on the otherside of the planet, trying to figure out how to deal with it all.

It got me thinking, what if something happens to someone else? What if one of parents gets hurt? What if Dane does something extra stupid? What in the world am I doing all the way over here?

Then on Sunday, a friend took me aside, and said "G-d told me to tell you that your place is still here."

I will be stronger through this, even though things will never me quite the same ever again.

Two of the most powerful words in any language are "me too".

I have hit rock bottom, and teetered on the brink of insanity, and then, a friend came along side me and said "Yeah, I've been there too."

That's one of the main reason G-d lets us go through these things. So one day, when someone turn to us, we can say "I've been there too, and this is how I got through it."

We can be of so much more comfort when we've been in the same place.

Have you ever noticed when people try to give out advice when they have no point of reference how it almost always ends up sounding shallow and rehearsed?

But when they've been there too, there's a reality and a comfort that speak louder than their words.

G-d gives us gifts so we can share them.

So share.