shopping

I'm walking down the road. I have twenty euros in my pocket a backpack on, and the intent to buy something. I put something on the ipod, music sets the mood for the walk, I put on something soft, some Ben Gibbard project I assume. I would sing out loud, but I can't hear myself, so I'm certain it would be out of key. I struggle with my thoughts, various people walk by and I consider the lives of most of them. Occasionally a girl will pass by that catches my eye, I briefly imagine what it would be like to date her, mental images of her throwing her arms around my neck smiling the big smiles of those in love.  As soon as the mental image comes, it goes, brief, pointless. I walk into the supermarket, all German super markets look pretty much the same. Passing by the fruits and vegetables, I stare at dairy products, and select a frappachino from the refrigerated shelves. I walk up and down the aisles, tmy mind, only half on what are on the shelves, are reviewing the day and upcoming week. I pick up some dinner for the evening, some form of noodles. I try not to think about Luise, those thoughts are too painful at the moment, I choke back the emotion and think about the trivial bullshit that lines the shelves. I reach the liquor aisle, I pick up a bottle of some kind of American whiskey. Feeling the weight of it, considering returning everything else I have picked up and blowing the twenty on the bottle in my hand. I put the bottle back and grab something highly caffeinated instead. I don't get drunk, I just consume unhealthy quantities of caffeine. My brain briefly produces the memory of drinking six Red Bulls in an evening at some bar I hated myself for being at, and the fact that my heart beat oddly all night. That memory brings up Tine, If I never see her again It'll be for the better. Whatever. I think about where I live, and how thankful I am for it. I consider all I gave up for it. Unfair. Everyday is a fight. Luise comes to mind again, I immediatly think of her deciding to go out with a friend of mine, I cobsuder what I would do if that happened, worried I wouldn't be abe to afford enough whiskey to get, and keep me drunk. I put on some angrier music. Upset at myself for thinking about it. I grab some brightly colored shower gel I don't need. Axe's marketing department did their job well, it my only real consumer based weakness, I always spring for the more expensive soap I don't need, justifing that of things to blow more money on, the extra euro for shower gel wasn;t the worst thing, It's not like I was buying stacks of lottery tickets. We all have to have standards I guess. I review the open cash registers, selecting one with a slighty longer line, but the cashier is pretty and close to my age. She's blonde, All guys secretly have a thing for blonde girls. I place my selcted items on the counter and grab a packet of Fisherman's Friends, little pieces of almost pure menthol that you suck on like hard candy, I like the idea of having a habit of some kind, and at least this one is healthy. I take one earbud out as I ge nearer to the cashier, God, shes pretty. Its my turn, she looks up and flashes a brief smile, "Hallo!" "Hello" I say, and return the smile. I wish I knew more German so I could flirt a bit. No luck. I glance up at the total, its under twenty and thats all I care about. I take out my wallet, pay, and take my backpack off. I collect my change and tuff my purchases in the backpack, quickly thinking about all the places I've taken it and how no one has any idea my story. I'd like to think the girl would be interested if she knew. I put the bag back on my back and wish the cashier a nice rest of her day. I walk through the door and back down the road. I wish my bike wasn't broken. I'd be home quicker. I cycle through my mental checklist. I probably should have blown the money on fixing the bike. Whatever.