I live by dying....

My life is moving forward

Rene is leaving, thus creating space for me to work at the church, I should be starting there sometime soon,

and life goes on.

Rene is leaving, Marcus left, I will have no guy friends left here. I guess my prayers that G-d would grow Michele ever closer together have been answered,

and life goes on.

I left so much behind to come here, Its finally starting to feel like it was all worth it. One of my best friends got married, my other best friend's son is growing up and I'm not around, that's tough,

and life goes on.

I'm truly happy. Thank you G-d.

Grace

I screwed up today and decided to visit old habits. I wasted a little bit more of my life on porn. I felt terrible. I called up Michele and begged her forgiveness.

and she forgave me.

then as I tried to understand her love and grace for me, I said "I don't deserve you."

what she said next made me cry.

She said "Yes you do"

I am not worthy of her love and forgiveness.

I am not worthy of G-d's love and forgiveness.

But their love makes me worthy.

You are made worthy.

Worthy of love,
worthy of acceptance,
worthy of forgiveness,
worthy of grace.


You are worthy.

You are WORTHY

YOU are WORTHY!

YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Updates and thoughts

-I have a girlfriend, her name is Michele and I am ridiculously blessed to have her.

-I've been working at a vinyard on and off, I work on whats called a 400 euro basis, which means I can only earn 400 euros in a month, (which is the maximum I can earn without having to pay taxes) but because I work 9 hour days and get 6.50 an hour I burn through that pretty quick.

-I'm hammering out all the details for school and should be starting in September.

-Rene and Marcus, my two closest guy friends are moving away soon. G-d revealed that he's going to take this time to grow Michele and I closer together.

- Last week my Mom was here, we went down to visit my grandma. My grandma is doing a lot better, but it doesn't change the fact my mom was still a basket case from worrying all week. We need to rent out my grandmas house to help pay for her assisted living bills, and my mom just sees a mountain that she can't climb. There was a role reversal where I had to be strong for my mom all week. Rather emotionally draining to say the least.

- G-d revealed some very awesome things to me this past week:

• He revealed how past hurts from past relationships weren't fully healed, He revealed that one of Satan's favorite lies to tell me is that everything good in my life is going to fall apart and I deserve nothing else.
• He revealed that in the storms of life, he picks me up and holds me close to him. I watched the first Nooma entitled Rain, and started crying my eyes out.
• I didn't know how I was going to get to my Michele's place this weekend, (its a half hour away by car and there is no train there), the usual guy who picks me up is on a soccer retreat with the youth group this weekend, but he mentioned I should try calling Michele's sister, I tried and she wouldn't pick up and wouldn't pick up, eventually she did and she said she ould come and pick me up Friday night, I put the phone down and I was hit, in a very real sense, with a line I heard from a sermon recently "We live in a God-drenched world, so there is nothing to be afraid of!" The holy spirit hit me with this line and I just started jumping around and rolling on the floor laughing my head off. Yes folks, the charismatic scene isn't all bullshit.
  

- All of what G-d revealed to me I had already known, but not deep within me. G-d is good to us.

- I've taught twice in the last few weeks at the high school group, both times was primarily in German, and both times people said I did a good job.

-We have a new American. His name is Wesley and he's from Illinois. Super nice kid, he'll be interning for two months. I'm glad to have him here.

If any of you who read this just wanna throw me an email or IM to chat, please do. I love all of you.

love

I wanted to paint you a picture
one whose colors could express the pain my life has held
and the joy it now contains
but I could find no brushes to put to my canvas
and I was never really good at painting

I wanted to write you a song
one whose melody could carry my soul along with it
as your ears drank in the sound
but my hands could not form the notes and chords
and no music came from my guitar

I then wanted to write you a beautiful poem
one whose words could be woven in such a way
that the very depths of my heart could be revealed
but I wrote this instead
will you forgive me?

oh , beloved
oh, beloved
none of my creativity could ever truly express
the love I have for you
or how beautiful you are.

so will you forgive me as I offer you this?
Lyrics to a song that will never be sung
whose melody will never be found
for this is all I can give
to show how much,
how very much,
I love you.

so this is what I have so far....

this is super rough draft of part of chapter 1. just so you know





--

It had all started when Saul was in the first grade. The playground at is school was directly next to a fairly large hill. The side facing the playground was nearly 90 degrees straight up, and mostly made of rock. It reminded him of the cliffs in the coyote and roadrunner cartoons he would watch with his father on the weekends. It was recess and all the children were out playing. Saul had just returned from using the bathroom when he got a flash of what was to come, like a video playing in his mind, clear as day, without the fog of the mind like normal thoughts have. He saw a girl from his class playing hopscotch next to the hill , and saw her crushed by a rock that had come loose at the top of the hill. He knew this would happen, as sure as he knew he had art class right after recess. Being so young, he had no grasp of the fact that this was unique and assuming it was normal, he looked around waiting for one of the adults to run over and stop it. When no one did anything, he ran over to one of the teachers and, nearly crying, asked "Aren't you going to do something?" The teacher looked down with a worried expression "Do something about what? What's wrong?" Exasperated and annoyed at his teacher's obvious ignorance he shouted " Rachel is going to get hurt? Don't you know?" then suddenly pressed with the knowledge that the rock was about to fall, he ran "Hurt? Hurt how? the teacher shouted after him. But Saul was already fast approaching the other side of the playground where Rachel was standing. He started dragging her away, under loud protest from her and her friends, who were obviously offended he had broken up their game and that it was a boy doing it. Saul didn't care. Rachel turned around to bite down on Saul's arm and stopped mid bite as she saw a rock bigger than her tumble down and stop where she had just been standing. Then in that moment, made suddenly aware of her own mortality, Rachel started half crying half shrieking while holding onto Saul as if the world itself would fall down around her if she dared let go.
None of the teachers understand exactly what had happened. They tried explaining it."Maybe Saul noticed the rock looking like it was coming loose." Said one, as they sat in the teacher's lounge, discussing what had happened over coffee. "No," said another "The rock was at the very top of the hill, he no one could've seen it from down on the playground. " The teachers disccused almost every day for about a week before becoming exhausting every possible explanation and eventually just wrote it off as 'one of those things' and forgot about it.
Saul got free ice cream for a week from the cafeteria, Rachel did too, just as a matter of principle.
Recess for the rest of the month was in the gym. As workers installed a net over the rock face so as to prevent anything like that from happening ever again. During recess a few days later, Saul walked over to Rachel who, still shaken from everything that had happened, was sitting in the corner reading quietly. " Are you ok?" Saul asked quietly, Rachel looked up "Sorta..." she trailed off "You were really brave for saving me!" Saul blushed " I guess so," there was a pause as they both searched for what to say next. They both started talking again at the same time blurting out " Hey do you wanna..." Rachel stopped "Sorry," she said "Go on" Saul blushed again "would you wanna play candyland with me?" " I love that game!" Rachel exclaimed. From that day forward, Rachel and Saul were inseperable. Saul was eventually accepted by Rachel's other friends, who were, at first, both annoyed and angry that rachel was hanging out with a boy, but eventually they over looked their differences and Saul was treated like just another member of the gang. Saul was just thankful to have a group a friends around him.

addendum

And, if you're in the middle of one of lifes many storms, remember, G-d still has you in his arms. Even when everyone else considers the storm old news, G-d suffers with us.

Gifts

I think G-d takes the crises that we go thru,and repackages them as gifts. Without suffering we never grow. One week ago, a friend of mine died, and here I am, on the otherside of the planet, trying to figure out how to deal with it all.

It got me thinking, what if something happens to someone else? What if one of parents gets hurt? What if Dane does something extra stupid? What in the world am I doing all the way over here?

Then on Sunday, a friend took me aside, and said "G-d told me to tell you that your place is still here."

I will be stronger through this, even though things will never me quite the same ever again.

Two of the most powerful words in any language are "me too".

I have hit rock bottom, and teetered on the brink of insanity, and then, a friend came along side me and said "Yeah, I've been there too."

That's one of the main reason G-d lets us go through these things. So one day, when someone turn to us, we can say "I've been there too, and this is how I got through it."

We can be of so much more comfort when we've been in the same place.

Have you ever noticed when people try to give out advice when they have no point of reference how it almost always ends up sounding shallow and rehearsed?

But when they've been there too, there's a reality and a comfort that speak louder than their words.

G-d gives us gifts so we can share them.

So share.

Lawless Bastards Chapter 1: With Fire

I watched my world burn down to the ground today
in the name of greed,
as the new gods of railroad took over
oh fire,
burn my minds eye
burn my minds eye
burn my minds eye,
so I never have to see this again.

Maybe theres a light at the end of the tunnel after all, and it might not be an oncoming train

I met a girl at a party tonight, we clicked really well, when she got home at 1:30 am she added me on facebook. This is the happiest I've been all week, i'm not saying my happiness hangs on some girl, but still. Its a nice end to a crappy week.

Still in mourning over Tyler. Rest In Peace dude.

P.S
I hope i don't end up offending anyone with my Lawless Bastards project, its going to follow bitter 20 year old who just watched his family get killed by railroad tycoons and joins outlaws in the old west, sample line:
"We blew into town, and I wasted my virginity on some cantankerous whore"

it gonna be fun.

a friend of mine died yesterday from huffing.

In case anyone was interested.

I am currently working on the following

learning how to play guitar
improving my singing voice

also on a more artistic front:
Two different stories: Saul Hates Everyone and a story about St. Jude
and a new story told in poems thing called The Lawless Bastards.

"Saul Hates Everyone; Reflections of a Misanthropist with Super Powers."

I've decided to write a story, and I wanted to share with you the plot.

Saul has a gift, or a curse, depending on how you look at it. He knows when someone nearby is about to have a terrible accident, and knows exactly how to stop it. After many years of being the hero he has become less and less seen as some sort of superhero/guardian angel and more and more seen as a public servant, like the garbage man. No one ever thanks the garbage man for doing his job, but everyone would complain if the garbage man stopped doing it. Needless to say Saul has become jaded to the whole thing.

Lets hope it turns out well. I'm excited to start.

My dream girl would spend hours with me making a house of cards just to finish it and tear it down, because things are just things.

Because it's New Years Eve, and a blog isnt a blog without a new year's eve post.

This year, I moved to Germany.
This year I grew up a lot.
This year I spent way too much time in blog word and the real world focusing on a 3 week relationship that was destined to fail from the start.
This year I decided to never again fall victim to my own impulses like that again.
This year I started and renewed friendships.
This year I still remained sober.
This year is over in 10 minutes and I'm spending it alone in my room. I don't really want to be here. I want to spend this with friends or family.

Out with the old in with the new. Lets make this next year the best one ever.

I'll spend this new year's eve like I spent the last one. Listening to Five Iron Frenzy song then a Death Cab for Cutie one.

"so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions"

A drifter.

no home
even the bed where I lay my head is not my own
I wander slowly,
but I wander.
never in one place too long.
Not anymore
I wish simply to find four walls to own
a roof over my head to call home.
no soil for these roots
not yet.

"If you believed they put a man on the moon"

I havent posted anything in a while.
I just wanted to say I'm doing good. I miss my famly a lot and I can't wait to see them.

I hate how I feel whenever I see Luise. The way I can't stop looking at her, the awkward glances, the laughing way too much to prove to the other person.... something or other, the way I'm still crazy for this chick, the way things were left hanging, the way she doenst want to resolve things, the way i get a knot in my throat whenever shes around.


I love the new Relient K album and the way it was written from much the same place I am. I gotta forget and not slow down.

I love that my life is on the up and up.

I hate that I don't have a new job yet.

I hate that I have so little money

I love my friends here. Rene and Marcus are my closest friends here without them I'd be at a loss. The other night Marcus just hugged me while I cried then later on we shared communion together.

I love you Christy and Alex.

Christy you're my big sis and I feel so lucky that I have you. You're just so awesome. Our relationship has so much give and take its awesome. I love that we can always count on each other to be there for each other. I wouldnt trade our siblingness for anything.

Alex you're my first ever Pen-Pal and  love how our friendship has grown over blogs and the internet. I still worry that you'll be less then impressed when we meet in person.

new poem sometime soon titled "I Dress Up On My Own Terms"

The Problem With Ballot Casting

I'd rather not be nominated in my condition
I'm still reeling from the grenade that went off in my hand

surely there are other candidates pining to be elected
let one of shake hands and kiss babies

I can't run for office like this
this is ridiculous

so will you please let me
hide in my shell shock?

your crusades are none of my concern

This is not a campaign this is conquest
this is not a campaign this is warfare
this is not a campaign this is bloodshed

This is not a campaign and I am no one's nominee

Explanation

"The Real Victim Here"

This poem deals with two separate yet interconnected things
The first thing, though it does not come up first in the poem is a person's inability to healthily deal with their past , to the point where it becomes destructive to themselves and those around them  (You hold the past like a gun, and you pulled the trigger)

The second part which in  is mentioned first, for the sake of the actual story in the poem, is people's ability to be comfortable with other people being destructive to those around them. Not wanting to tread on toes or hurt feelings. (just make sure the music keeps playing and try not to look at the blood on the ground). I've noticed often times people take lightly these situations or ignore them completely (never mind.... just keep dancing and get on your dancing shoes...).

While both attitudes are unhealthy and selfish to a point, I think the second is worse, because an apathetic attitude is enabling the other person to not have to deal with their problems. If you have the ability to step into a situation and change it for the better and you are  just as responsible as the other person if not more so (in the case that person cannot/will not change themselves and need outside help in order to do so) This of course an refer to global justice, but in this case, I'm talking about things on a much more personal level.

The Real Victim Here

get on your dancing shoes
i heard there's a party down at the local crime scene

try and ignore the police line,
its more of a formality

never mind the chalk outline
just keep dancing
never mind that here innocence died
just keep dancing

just make sure the music keeps on playing
and try not to look at blood on the ground

the real victim here was love
the real victim here was love

oh my God, it was you
it was you

You hold the past like a gun
and you pulled the trigger
all the while the speakers were booming
no one heard the shot ring out

never mind the chalk outline
just keep dancing
never mind that here innocence died
just keep dancing

So, what do you think?

Hey guys, If you would like, I can write a post explaining some of my poetry. I can be rather cryptic, I'm aware. But I would enjoy pulling what I write apart, so maybe I'm understood better. I don't have many (read: definitely 2, maybe 3) friends who care to read this on a regular basis. so... what do you think?